HNY2025!

as the new year is here, i find myself looking back - not in regret, but wit quiet understanding. the past, wit all its twists and turns, has taught me dat not every path we walk is meant to lead s'where lasting. and dats ok. moving on isnt about forgettin; its about accepting dat some chapters r meant to end.

theres a lesson i’ve carried into dis year - be mindful of who u let into ur life. kindness is a gift, but it shldnt come at the cost of ur own well-bein. s'times, the more u give, the more ppl take, and not everyone will appreciate the effort u pour into them. its a hard truth to accept, but not everyone u meet is meant to stay, and not everyone deserves access to ur bloody heart.

but every hurt is a teacher, and every lesson is a gift.

its not about becoming hardened or cynical. it is about finding the balance. u can still be kind, ofkoz - jst not at the expense of ur peace. u can still giv - but only to those who deserve ur time and energy. not everyone will value wat u bring to the table, and dats a reality worth understandin.

the beauty of life is dat it is always teaching. lookin back, there r moments dat sting, ppl i thought wld be around, and mistakes i wish i hadnt made. but regret has no place in growth. every experience; be it good or bad - has shaped a stronger, wiser version of us. and for dat, i’m utterly grateful.

dis year feels different, as though it carries a quiet promise. a chance to build s'thing better, surrounded by the right thg. it is a reminder to focus on connections dat uplift, rather than drain. and most importantly, to never apologize for choosing ur fcukin self when it matters most.

so, heres to a new year of lessons, laughter, and resilience. to walking away when needed, to standing firm when it counts, and to embracing the person u've become; flaws, scars, and all. becoz every step, even the painful ones, hav brought u here.

heres to moving forward into another year. heres to a better trow.

Happy new Year 2025!

seein urself, truly.

 

in our lifetimes, we’ve watched as biologists uncovered the tiniest details of life and astronomers peered deeper into the endless night sky, reaching back in time and space.

yet, the most profound mystery isnt out there in the vastness or within the microscopic - it is us, right here, up close. if we cld truly see ourselves from the outside, wld we even recognize who we r? 

and if we did, wat wld we say? wat truths wld we uncover? wat questions wld we finally dare to ask? if we cld step back and really look, wat wld we want to understand about the person staring back?

sigh. i am sorry wit all these. they keep me wondering.

gdmorn!

 

i woke up early dis morn., way too early. it is Saturday, and the clock hadnt even touched 4 a.m., yet there i was, already tossing and turning in bed, my mind refusing to settle. it wasnt the kind of tossing u do when ur half-asleep, hoping to drift back into dreams. no, dis was different - the kind of restless energy dat demanded i get up and do somethg.

so, i threw the covers aside, grabbed a towel, and headed straight for the bathroom. the idea of an early morn shower pulled me like a magnet. theres somethg sacred about standing under the stream of cold water when the world outside is still cloaked in darkness. the kind of freshness it brings - it is more than jst physical. darn i am not sure if u knw wat i am sayin - but it is like wiping the slate clean, preparing ur body and soul for a day dat has not even begun yet.

i’ve come to learn dat mastering my mornings is not about squeezing in productivity hacks or gearing up for some hustle-hard agenda. it is about finding stillness. those precious hours of silence, where the world is not asking anythg from u yet. no notifications, no calls, no responsibilities weighing on ur bloody shoulders. jst the quiet, uninterrupted time between u and God.

i cherish these moments. i’ve made them non-negotiable becoz they remind me of who i am beneath all the noise. in the quiet, i can feel my chest loosen. the weight of ystrday’s worries seems lighter, almost distant. my anxiety, which often feels like it is breathing down my neck, takes a step back. and in dat space, clarity rises like the slow, deliberate light of dawn.

i believe morns shape the mind. they whisper to u, set the tone for how u’ll move thru the hours ahead. if u choose chaos - waking up late, rushin thru routines, grabbin ur phone first thg - u’ll carry dat chaos wit u all day. but if u claim stillness, if u take a moment to be present and grounded, u walk into the day with a kind of armour. at least dats wat i believe in.

so, there i was dis morning, towel wrapped around me, feeling wide awake. not in the frenetic, overstimulated way but awake in my soul. i felt like  was stepping into somethg sacred, a chance to set the rhythm for my own life before the world cld set it for me.

and honestly? dats the kind of control i think we all need a little more of.

---

hav a pleasant week, ppl.

bein invisible? not a bad thg.

 

u’ve always been the quiet one, the one who kind of blends into the bckground. ppl walk past u like u r not even there, and sometimes, they dun hear a word u say. yeap, it stings - it is not easy being overlooked. but over time, u’ve found ways to live wit it, even make peace wit it.

in a world dats loud and chaotic, bein invisible is not always a bad thang. theres a kind of freedom in it, a sense of calm dat comes wit not always bein in the spotlight. u r still here, still standing. breathin. kickin.  even when others dun notice u, it doesnt mean u r not important.

the truth is, u’ve learnt dat attention doesnt define ur worth. u’ve found strength in bein present, even if the world doesnt stop to look ur way. theres a quiet power in knwing u matter, even if no one claps for u. and maybe, jst maybe, dat quiet strength is wat makes u stand out in a way no one else can.

kopi, and dat santai-ness.

 

so here i am, still at my desk, coffee in hand, staring at my screen acah mcm tgh hdp benda penting mcm tu. pdahal, takde mende pun. dats the beauty of being early - byk masa nak buat whatever before the day actually starts pun. and of coz, my so-called schedule kosong macam perut aku ni seblm breakfast. watdya expect, post-Christmas, end of the year. tp tu la, habit is habit, kan? open my Google Calendar, the Tasks, to-do list glance thru, and pretend like ada benda crucial nak check. hahaha it is all part of the ritual.

kalo ikut ati, boleh je aku duduk layan angin air-cond ni sambil scroll phone, tp tatau la.. dis kepala of mine dah mula listing benda yg aku tahu aku kena settle. tak byk, tp ada la - like prepping for the comin semester, clearing some files sbb nak EKSA bagai semua ni, or maybe finally lookin into dat one small but annoying task aku asyik delay. the question dia skang ni, nak buat ke tak nak? haaa.. ko nampak dak? biasalah, internal struggle pagi-pagi. mcm haram pun ada, kan?

but honestly, aku suka mornings mcm ni. tenang, tak rushing, semua org masih warming up for the day. the quiet hum of the office mcm bg space to me to plan for the day, atau at least pretend to. even bila semua bnda tak rasa urgent, theres dis comfort dlm having time. it’s rare, kan? maksud aku, bila semua bnda dlm hidup asyik nak cpt, moments mcm ni mmg priceless. i mean, ko fhm kan apa maksud aku? emm, btw - the smell of the coffee ni serious aku tak bley blah. heaven atas dunia.

anyway, aku rasa vibe lain maciem hari ni, sbb maybe esk Sabtu. theres always dat subtle excitement on Fridays, kan? mcm satu kaki ko dah melangkah masuk weekend, tp satu lagi masih kena terima hakikat, “babe, ko still in Friday” it is a weird mix of relief and responsibility. tp aku ok je. Friday morns selalu bagi aku ruang nak fikir apa aku nak buat for the weekend nanti.

maybe aku plan to do nothg - jst lepak, tengok Netflix, or baca buku yg aku janji nak hbskan dari dua mggu lepas, tak hbs2. eem.. but i hav appointment dgn bengkel kereta on Saturday, and then balik packing sbb Sunday sblm noon i will hit the road for Shah Alam. Monday whole day i will be in MSU. see, knwing me, mesti ada somethg kena buat, sbb aku jns tak reti duduk diam lama2 melangut tak buat apa. and kalo aku jujur dgn diri sendiri, aku suka jgk la rasa productive tu, w'pun bnda kecik je pun. it is mcm small wins utk diri sendiri. centu.

seriously, bkn selalu mcm ni. weekdays time stdnts r in mmg haywire - classes, clinical visits/teachings and a lot more. tu belum kasuk bnda2 ad-hoc, mengejut terkejut segala. so, i need to inhale and enjoy masa stdnt-less ni, and preparing myself for new sem, few days to come.

for now, aku nak hbskan dis coffee dulu. and top-up later. then maybe aku start dgn bnda yang ringan2. clear the desk, baca emails, sort files yang patutnya dah lama aku delete tp still ada sbb sentimental value (konon). kalo semua tu dah settle, aku boleh la pretend mcm aku dah conquer satu ofc pagi ni. small steps je, but small steps pun kira progress, kan?

alrite, lets see how today plays out. aku rasa good vibes ni akan carry sepanjang hari, insyaAllah. kalo tak pun, at least aku dah mula hari aku dengan betul - coffee, thoughts, and sedikit effort. lets hope for the best!

Khamis tp rasa mcm Isnin.

 

Khamis ni, tp vibe dia mcm Isnin yg tak move on. u knw dat kinda day yg rasa berat nak buat apa2 pun ko malas? yg rasa mcm semua benda tak jln, and worse, mcm semua org hilang tatau depa pi mana. kat ofc ni giler lengang, nak cari org pun rasa mcm calling spirits. ni semua bahana kena cover boss, sbb "ko dah cuti kan Shah, sblm Christmas. lps Christmas aku plak cuti, ko cover". 

mgkn sbb aku baru je cuti pre-Christmas, lama jgk la kan. bila dah cuti lama, balik kerja ni rasa mcm kena tampar dgn reality check. or maybe sbb hujung thn.  tp honestly, aku rasa ini efek hujung thn jgk la kot. vibe hjg thn kan selalu pelik sket. semua org mcm checked out mentally, yg fizikal pun ada yg terus hilang cuti pjg. anat. kita yg tinggal ni la terkontang-kanting nya. ofc jadi senyap mcm library (nak kata kubur, mcm scary plak em emm), motivation pulak drop sampai hjg kaki. nak buat apa-apa pun rasa mcm jenuh Ya Auloh Nabila, bantuin aku.

and me? aku malas giler. serious malas. i do hav few thgs scheduled to settle ari ni, tp nak mula kerja rasa pun berat mcm nak mampos. fokus pun ke laut. nak buat apa pun mcm “nanti arr dulu,” tp “nanti” tu pun tatau bila. plan aku skang simple je lah - tggu jam 4.30 ptg, balik, dan bukpos. dats the goal aku hari ni. ECO mode on. survival mode pun ON.

mgkn jgk hjg thn ni ada energy dia sendiri. u’ve been grinding all year long, pastu dtg bln Disember mcm nak remind ko, “eh, ko dah penat kot, lek jap.” tp at the same time, kepala aku ni dah start fikir thn baru. semester baru. classes dah beratur mcm Google Calender. ko excited for a fresh start, tp rasa malas ni mcm tak nak let go 2024 mcm tu je. agitchiew. over kan?

apa pun, aku harap utk hari ni simple je. tak de ad-hoc meeting, tak de apa-apa issue yg perlu aku buat decision, and nanti sampai rmh, bukak kasut, throw myself atas sofa, dan tak buat apa2. kdg2, life’s about small victories mcm tu je, i am sure.

so, to those of u yg share the same shyte, the same feelin, yg suffering and strugglin kat luar sana, jst hang in there. kalo Khamis ni rasa mcm (anat) Isnin, at least ingat esok dah Jumaat! we’re almost there. let us finish strong - or at least crawl to the finish line sambil makan leftover breakfast ko beli td.

finding the one who sees u.

 

one day, u’ll meet someone who will see u, truly see u - not jst the face u show the world, but the part of u u’ve kept hidden. they’ll listen, not to reply, but to understand u. they wont shy away from the cracks or the scars in ur story; instead, they’ll respect em becoz they knw wat it is like to fight thru the pain.

dis person wont promise to fix u or make it all go away. but instead, they’ll stand by u, not letting u walk thru the same shitty storms alone. they’ll remind u wat it feels like to trust w/o fear, to love w/o losing urself, and to feel safe for the first time in a long time.

they wont erase the pain, but they’ll make sure u dun have to carry it alone. and in their presence, u’ll realise dat healing doesnt mean forgettin - it means moving forward wit someone who chooses to stay.

u'll go places. u'll meet lots of ppl. and u hav plenty of time in ur hand. i knw u'll be jst fine.

an apology.

 

u owe urself an apology for all the times u allowed others to treat u as if u din matter. for stayin quiet when u shld hav spoken up, and for making urself smaller so others could feel bigger. u owe urself an apology for accepting less than u deserved and believin, even for a moment, dat their actions defined ur bloody worth.

forgiv urself for the nites u doubted ur value and the days u hoped thgs wld change while forgettin dat change starts wit u. u stayed when u shldve walked away, gav when u had nothg left, and waited for validation dat was never urs to chase.

but rmbr, u hav choices. and u gotta choose differently. promise urself dat u’ll no longer stay silent when ur heart aches or settle for anythg dat diminishes ur light. u r not nothg. u r everythg, and it’s time u start treating urself dat way.

yes. u r every-fcukin-thg. 

choosin to stay.

 

when someone chooses to stay even after seein the raw, unfiltered version of who tf u r - the parts u try to hide from the world - dats when u knw they r worth holding onto. 

not everyone has the heart to weather ur bloody storms wit u. so, take a moment to appreciate those who remain, those who see u at ur lowest and still stand firm by ur fcukin side. 

they r the ones who deserve to share in ur brightest moments, the ones who truly deserve the best version of u.

how hurt refines u.

 

ppl r changed by pain; it does more than jst touch us. some ppl become cold not becoz they dun care anymore, but becoz they cared too much once and got hurt. their coldness acts as a shield to protect wat is still whole. some ppl, will stop talking. we r not quiet becoz we dun hav anythg to say; we r jst too emotional to put into fcukin words. when we r goin thru a lot, silence can help us deal wit it all and try to make sense of it all.

when we r hurt, it changes how we see the world, how we connect wit others, and even how we love. it doesnt hav to define us, tho. when u understand someone, the cold can melt away, and silence can giv way to sharing ur knowledge wit others. although pain makes us weak, it also shows us how strong and deep we r, when everythg else is taken away.

yes, pain changes ppl, but it can also make us stronger - showing us dat we can get thru hard times, grow, and still find the good in them. so if ur feelin it now, hold on thight  - for dis too, shall pass.

u will be new u.

..

 

if one day u never hear from me again, jst knw dis - i gav u all of me. i loved u wit a depth i din even knw existed within myself. out of all the roads  i cld have walked, all the lives i cld hav touched, i chose u. i hav ultimately no regret. and i stayed, even when it hurt, even when i knew u wldnt.

when i finally walk away, i hope my silence becomes the calm u needed but cldnt find when i was near. my love was flawed, maybe even messy, but it was honest and true. even as i let go, a small part of me will always wish for ur happiness, even if it wasnt mine to giv.

they r jst words.

 

u ever think about how easy it is, to say thgs? to promise the whole wide world, to promise a fcukin forever. words dat sound so beautiful when they r spoken, like they carry so much meaning. as if.

but, nail dis in ur shrinkin mind, in case u forget: promises only mean somethg if they r followed by action. w/o dat, they r jst some freakin air - soft, fleeting, and gone the moment u reach for them.

it is not dat ppl always intend to break promises. i mean, maybe they r, maybe they r not. maybe they meant it when they said it. maybe they believed it, too. but somewhere along the way, life happened. or they jst din care enuff to follow thru. 

and u knw wat stings? not jst the broken promise, but the way it makes u feel - like u were foolish for believin it. like u shldve known better.

rmbr dis: words dun build trust. actions do. someone who means it doesnt have to keep sayin, and braggin, “i promise.” they jst show up. they prove it, for fcuk sake.

so, maybe we shld stop holding on so tightly to wat ppl say. jst giv them ur beautiful smile, when they say shyte like dat. and we watch wat they do. 

becoz actions? they never lie.

y chase those who wont keep up?

 

u ever catch urself bending over backward for someone who wldnt even lean forward for u? who dun even giv a fcukin shyte on good thgs u do, to them? it is funny - no, frustrating - it is, how often dis happens.

y do we keep tryin so hard for ppl who dun even try for us? ppl who dun meet us halfway, or even a quarter of the way. yet there we r, givin and givin, hoping they’ll fcukin notice.

maybe it’s becoz we care too much. or, maybe - becoz deep down, we think if we try harder, they’ll finally see our worth. maybe. i said, maybe. or, maybe we’ve convinced ourselves dat givin up means we failed - dat we din “love enuff” or “do enuff.”

yet i came to a realisation a lil while ago on one thg: u cant force someone to show up for u. u cant make someone stand up for u. or be there for u. u cant make someone value u jst becoz u value them on the first place pun. darn it doesnt work dat way. u knw it doesnt work dat way too, dun u?

so, y do we do it? i dun knw. i dun hav the answer. maybe it is habit. maybe it is hope. or maybe it’s jst who we r  - we giv becoz we want to, becoz we dun know how not to. becoz we dun knw wat else to do. but there comes a point where u have to ask urself: is dis worth it?

i realised dat trying too hard for someone who wldnt do the same for u is not noble. u mght not be agree wit me, but it's ok - like i truly giv a flyin fcuk pun. the fact is - it is draining. memenatkan. relationship - friendships, family, love - darn they need balance. they need ppl who try together.

so, i gez if someone doesnt try for u, maybe it is time to stop tryin so hard for them. save ur energy for those who show up, those who care w/o u asking, and those who make u feel like u r enuff - jst as u r. get up, stand up, and walk ur fat arse out of it.

y? becoz u r enuff. and anyone who doesnt see dat? well, maybe they r the ones who dun fcukin deserve u, at all.

-- 

u hav a good day ahead, ya?

love dat stays.

 

the truth is, we r not always easy to love. there r days when we r too much - too angry, too quiet, too distant. we say thgs we dun mean, or we shut down completely. and yet, despite all of dat, there r ppl who choose to stay - for u. they see ur rough edges, ur moods, ur flaws, and decide u r still worth it.

looking back, i realize how rare dat kind of love is. it is not the grand gestures or perfect moments - it is the quiet resilience of someone choosing u, again and again, even when u r unbearable. even when u push em away, they pull u closer. and maybe dats the kind of love we all hope to find: someone who sees the mess, the chaos, the imperfect version of us, and decides they wont leave.

may we all be lucky enuff to find dat kind of love. maybe we r not. but more importantly, may we learn to give it in return.

..

 

there hav been times in my life when emotions took the driver’s seat, steering me toward decisions i wldnt hav made if i had taken a moment to think. rasa marah, geram, risau and fear, excitement - they all cloud judgement, creating some haze where facts and logic barely stand a chance. in those moments, emosi memang rasa mcm the truth, like it is the only thg dat matters. but truth isnt always tied to how i feel, i knw. tp facts? apa dorg kisah. they stay there, unchanged, waiting for me to see clearly.

still, i cant deny dat emotions hav their place. they remind me dat aku ni manusia je pun; dat i care, dat i feel. tp soalan nye skang - i keep coming back to is: how do i balance dis? how do i honour my emotions w/o letting them overpower the reality of facts?

urgkh, awal pagi to dis.

the space they left behind.

 

u miss them all the time. every lil thg reminds u of the - their smile, their laugh, the way they used to say ur name like it meant somethg. and when u close ur eyes, u see them as they r, or maybe as they were. frozen in time, perfect and untouchable. u wonder if they ever think of u, if they miss u the way u miss them. "probably not..", u tell urself. it is easier dat way, rite? to assume they dun. maybe they do, maybe they dun. but the silence speaks louder than ur longing ever cld.

u wish u knew. jst one moment of clarity, one answer to quiet the questions running in ur mind. but there’s none. and so, the days pass, and their face begins to blur. memories u once held so tightly start slipping thru ur fingers like grains of sand. u panic at first, trying to hold on to every detail, every word, every fragment of them. but then, it’s futile.

and then it happens. they start to fade - not jst from ur mind, but from ur heart. and yet, there’s a hollow, an emptiness they leave behind. u tell urself it’s better dis way, dat dis is wat moving on feels like. but it is not. it is jst u, learning to live wit a space dat will never be filled. a quiet ache dat lingers in the background, like a shadow dat never quite disappears.

and so, u breathe. one breath, one day at a time. hoping dat one day, the hollow will stop hurting. hoping dat one day, u’ll stop looking for them in the spaces they left behind.

easier, but lonelier.

 

so, ur letting go now.

it is not becoz u want to; it is becoz u hav to. holding on has started to feel like gripping a rope dat burns ur hands. ur clinging on to somethg u dun knw, somethg u dun understand - and it's tiring. sometimes, the hardest part of love is not about losing someone - it is about finding the strength to let them fcukin go away. but maybe lettin go isnt about giving up; maybe it is about giving space. space for them to grow. for them to be wat they wanna be. and space for u to breathe.

one day, u knw they’ll find wat they r looking for. darn u knw it is not u, but somethg else. or someone else. they’ll stumble upon dat one thg dat makes their heart race in the quiet moments, or maybe they’ll discover the kind of peace they’ve been searching for all along. and when dat day comes - and when they r ready to open their heart again, u wish they dun push ppl away, again. like they did, to u.

it is easier, isnt it? keepin ppl at fcukin arm’s length. it’s safe. it’s predictable. no one can fcukin hurt u if no one gets close enuff. fcuk u knw dis good, but then u lose grip. ur down to ur knees, and trouble sets in. it is easy to push ppl away, ofkoz. u wont be hurt, and probably u think others wont be hurt, as well. u think. but do knw dat, pushing ppl away it’s also very lonely.

and u knw loneliness is not jst the absence of ppl; it is the absence of connection. and connection? dats the shyte dat keeps us human. not the surface-level kind, but the raw, messy, bloody beautiful kind. the kind dat forces u to be vulnerable, to let someone in even when it scares u. even  when u dun knw how and wat it may bring u. 

u’ve probably told urself dat walls are safer than doors. but bulshyte, walls dun keep out the ache; they just echo it back to u, louder and louder, until it’s all u can hear. and u want them to rmbr dis - when they’re ready - when they’re truly ready; dun let fear win. open the door. let someone in. let dat someone see the parts of them they’ve hidden away, the scars they’ve been too afraid to show. u want them to knw, dat not everyone will hurt them. not everyone will leave. not like wat they've done to u. or probably, to others too.

u r letting go now, not becoz it’s easy, but becoz it’s necessary. and maybe one day, they’ll understand dat love is not always about staying - it is about setting free, and letting them go free to be wat they wanna be.

but when above all, u want them to rmbr, if they finally find wat they’re looking for, they hav to promise themselves dat they’ll choose connection over fear. for u knw it wont be easy, but neither is loneliness.

and if u read dis - do take care of urself.

per ur request: peace wit urself.

a few hours after i got my last entry posted ystrday, someone texted me. a fren of mine, a good person wit a good heart, asked the question above. reading it, i was kinda taken aback, not sure how to react. maybe we’ve all been thru it before. maybe we haven’t. maybe we hav, but jst din realize it. maybe i’ve been thru it too, and maybe those r the thgs dat change u over time.

i gez sometimes life takes u by surprise. u mght find urself reacting in ways u dun really comprehend, only to discover later dat it was not about the moment at all - it was somethg deeper, somethg unresolved. it is like lugging a hefty bag dat u neglected to pack, and then it spills open.

frankly speaking, i cld list all the ideal ideas by the book for him. i cld jst puke out all those dat i've learnt for him. but dat doesnt sound right, kan? dat 'senang la cakap' yet u knw shyte on how dat makes him feel, is somethg else. we r all human beings, flesh and blood. we r all been there, somewhere. jst dat u want to admit it or not, itu je. coz to make peace wit urself begins wit acknowledging ur weight. the burden u've been carrying around for years. u dun push it away or pretend it isnt there. u knw dat is not right. it mght make u feel good for a lil while, but the fact is - ur fcukin not. so, u gotta sit wit it. u gotta allow urself to feel it, even if it is so bloody uncomfortable. ignoring it will not make it go away; it will simply get louder the next time. trust me, u knw better.

u gotta trace it back. ask urself: where tf is dis coming from? y does it hurt so badly? and yes, the answers may not be easy, it cld be scary, or hurtful, but they r vital. they remind u dat the actual effort is not about repairing the surface, but about curing dat lies beneath it.

and forgiving oneself can be the most difficult thg. forgive urself for holding the anguish for longer than necessary, for allowing it to spill over into ur behaviours, and for simply being human. it is not easy, but it's worth attempting. forgive urself for being vulnerable; forgive urself for trippin. forgiving urself doesnt mean ur weak, it shows ur stronger, bigger than anythg at all.

let it out in any way dat feels natural. write it down, speak wit someone, or simply sit in silence to process it. and ur seeing me writing all dis, and watdya think? i am doin dis for no reason? i am fcukin clearing my thoughts—for it deserves somethg better. and trust me—there is no right or wrong approach, as long as it moves u forward. yes. forward.

and rmbr, making peace is not a big, dramatic breakthru. it is a silent procedure. some days u'll feel lighter, and others u won't. or u mght not. but dats fine. dat is ok. for wat matters is dat, u try.

i believe dat peace is not about deleting the past; it is about learning to live wit it, differently. u dun go suppressing ur memories, but u go around and dance to it well. jst like a river after a storm, the water may not be fully clear, yet indeed, it continues to flow. 

and so will u.

wats inside, always spills over.

 

hurt people hurt others. at least, dat’s how i see it. i’ve been there - on both sides of it. most of the time, it’s not intentional. i mean, who wld willingly want to hurt someone else, kan? i dun think anyone does. but sometimes, it feels like carrying a weight so heavy dat it eventually spills over. it’s not about being cruel; it’s about not knowing how to handle wats happening inside. and in the process, u end up hurting the ones u care about the most.

but then, i’ve also seen the other side. happy ppl, the ones who carry peace within themselves, seem to spread dat joy effortlessly. it’s not becoz their lives r perfect or free of problems. it’s becoz they’ve made peace wit wat they’ve been thru. their smiles feel real, their energy feels comforting, and being around them pun dah cukup buat hidup ko rasa a little better. and yes, happiness, jst like pain, is contagious.

and i’ve realized dis: we magnify wat we r. watever we carry within us, whether it is unresolved hurt or genuine joy, will show up in how we treat others. dats y healing matters. dats y it is so important to take care of wats going on inside. if we can work on healing, on finding small moments of joy, we’ll naturally pass dat on to the ppl around us. but if we keep carrying our wounds, they’ll keep spilling out, whether we mean for them to or not.

sometimes, i catch myself snapping at someone or pulling away, and it makes me stop and think - tf is really goin on with me? am i carryin somethg i need to deal wit? i’ve come to see dat how i treat others is often a reflection of wats happenin inside me. and i knw if i want to spread kindness, warmth, and love or watever tf it is - i need to start by filling myself with those thgs first.

i knw it is not about being perfect. it is about being honest wit urselves and aware of wat u r carrying. becoz at the end of the day, we r all mirrors, reflecting the world within us onto the world around us. wat we giv starts wit wat we hold inside.

i am sorry for dis. probably kinda heavy for starting a day. jst dat i need to spill dis out and spare some space in the head, for somethg else.

u hav a good day ahead, ya?

another chapter, another path.

 

hey u.

i see u. i see the weight ur carrying, the quiet battles u fight every day, and the way u try to hold it all together, even when it feels like everythg is fcukin, fallin apart. it’s ok to admit dat ur stressed. life, as much as we plan and hope, has its own way of throwing surprises, right? and u knw it rite, not all of them are pleasant.

let's take a break. when did u start believin dat everythg had to be perfect? dat every thought, decision, every moment, every step forward had to align perfectly wit some invisible roadmap? u know as well as i do, life doesnt bloody work dat way. and u’ve seen dis before - thgs falling apart, only to somehow come together in ways u never expected.

but jst when u thought there was no way out, and yet here u are, readin dis blabbering - u r still breathing, surviving, maybe even thriving. u’ve always found a way. even if it wasnt the way u planned. so y not trust dat u’ll do it again?

rmbr, perfection isnt the goal. but growth is. learning is. living is. and if thgs dun turn out the way u hoped, it’s not a sign of failure - it is jst a sign dat another path is waiting. one u might not hav noticed yet. and sometimes, the most unexpected roads lead to the most beautiful destinations.

darn i know it is hard. letting go of control feels like a free-falling, but maybe it is not about falling. maybe.. i said, maybe -  it is about learning to trust dat the net will catch u - or dat u’ll grow wings along the way.

u dun need to have all the answers. u dun need to map out every step. u jst need to take a breath, let go of dat fear, and take thgs one moment at a time. and dats enough. u r enough. rmbr dat.

and when the fear creeps in, when the doubts start whispering in ur ear, keep dis in mind: u’ve been thru dis before. and every single time, u’ve come out the other side. stronger. fcukin wiser. more resilient. dis is jst another chapter in ur story, and it is ok if u dun knw the ending yet.

trust me. and trust urself. u’ve got dis.

forgive them, to forgive u.

 

no one ever tells u dis: when u find dat bloody courage to forgive the person who hurt u, theres an unspoken second step dat often gets overlooked. after u've whispered "i forgive u" and tell them silently to fcuk off, after u've loosened the weight of their actions from ur chest, u’ll find urself sitting wit a heavier silence. it’s the silence of ur own heart, wondering if it can forgive u - for ignoring the red flags, for staying too long, for being so nice, for believin in the potential of someone who perhaps never saw ur fcukin worth the way u did theirs.

and dat’s the harder part, rite? the part where u hav to sit wit urself and reckon wit the version of u dat allowed it all to unfold. u replay the moments, tryin to make sense of y u stayed, y u din say no louder, y u gave more than u received and y u keep coming nack tho u've been treated like a piece of cold shyte. it’s a humbling and heavy moment, a tug-of-war between shame and self-compassion.

but i want u to knw dat, being hurt doesnt make u fcukin weak. it makes u human. letting someone in, even when it risks of breaking u, is a testament to ur capacity for love and hope. forgiveness doesnt jst set em free - it sets u free, too. free to forgive urself for not knwng better at the time, for learning the hard way, for being brave enuff to effin trust again; despite those bloody scars.

so, if ur feelin dis - take dis moment. sit wit the hurt. breathe thru the shame. and gently remind urself dat even when u got it wrong, u were still tryin ur best. 

forgive urself. u, deserve dat.

2M2H vs EOM.

 

been a while since aku write back again, and this time around in dis new blog. i had 2 different blogs before, and yes -i’ve deleted both, for there’s nothg left to rmbr pun. syg, yes. aku dah byk tulis my mind, my emotions, and all in there, tp for some reason, aku delete je sng.

and smlm - i received a text from a bestie. member sekepala ni. aku tau she did read my updates now and then, but i never expected dat she’ll do the same on dis new one (but i am glad, really. and aku appreciated it well!). and aku suka the feedback - looks like i’m not being my real self; i wrote thgs so superficially, and not being true to myself pun sebenarnya. hahaha, i must agree wit dat pun. sbb at the end of the day, even after writing (which i used to feel ok most of the time), yet this time around, aku still rasa there’s somethg yg tak tercerita. ko fhm kan? huhu.

aku took dat feedback as somethg more of an observation than a complaint. even if it is a complaint pun, i wldn’t mind. i can learn and improve definitely. aku tau, the previous one feels more personal, evasive, true about everythg, yet dis one feels familiar. mcm u’ve read it somewhere else, and now ko baca sekali lagi. macam tu. and of course, aku tau it is less “me” pun.

and aku sure ko tahu benda ni jugak - kdg2 bila kita try hard to write somethg yg “menarik” or “memenuhi jangkaan” org lain, ko akan hilang essence sbnr of urself pun. my previous writings, aku kena admit, were more evasive, maybe sbb they came from a place yg lebih “raw,” jujur, and tak peduli sgt apa yg org lain fikir. and the price? ada je pulak yg dok tanya, “Shah, ko ok?” or “r u writing about urself?” and benda-benda macam tu.  as much as i appreciate the concern, tp kdg2 seriau la jgk. tu belum kira yg screenshots, shared with others, and talked shyte about it. i mean, mcm la aku kisah sgt pun. sbb the fact is, maybe it is about me. and maybe it’s not. 

and dis new blog - aku sendiri rasa mcm lebih “diproses” or “disaring,” watnot, as if aku tulis utk org lain, bukan for myself.

i love dis. i really do. and yes, aku will definitely do the needful. thanks! God bless u.

dun wait - tell them now.

 

in the rush of life, we often assume those we care about, knw how exactly we feel - dat their place in our hearts is understood. but trust me, even the strongest souls need reassurance, a reminder dat they r freakin matter, to u.

there is beauty in saying, “u matter to me". these words heal, bridge distances, and offer comfort in doubt. these words offer some smiles in their faces, putting their hearts at ease. they remind someone of their worth and dat they r seen - not jst by u, but by the whole wide world.

pause for a moment. think of those who hav touched ur life - a parent, a fren, a partner. they deserve to hear it. not becoz they expect it, but becoz it mght be exactly wat they need. it wont cost u a thang, probably ur ego a bit. u dun have to wait till the end of everythg, and pile up wit regrets for not letting them know dis, at the first place.

in a world where silence can be mistaken for indifference, ur words can be a gift - a lifeline. life is fleeting, and connections r precious. tell them u love em alrite. tell them dat u care. tell them dat they mean the whole fcukin universe to u. and tell them dat they r loved.

tell them now, tell them often. tell them: “u matter to me".

the weight of words left behind.

 

when someone says, "i dun think i'll find someone like u," it feels like a quiet miracle, doesnt it? like in dat moment, they saw u - like fcukin truly saw u - and every lil piece of urself u thought was invisible or unremarkable, suddenly shined. though u keep sayin dat "no, i am sure u'll find someone way better than jst me", silently u carry their words wit u, letting them wrap around ur bloody heart, replaying em when the world feels heavy. they become a soft place to land, a reminder dat u mattered to someone.

but then, the silence creeps in. days turn into weeks, weeks into months - and their presence fades like a whisper in the wind. the calls stop, the conversations dwindle, and u r left holding those words, clutching at their warmth, even as it begins to slip away. u wonder if they really meant it, or if those words were jst a shitty reflection of a fleeting moment, an emotion they couldnt hold steady. and the absence of their voice, their laughter, their everythg - it feels like a hollow ache, worse than any freakin goodbye.

still, u cant hate those words. they were real to u, even if they werent meant to last. they remind u of wat it feels like to be valued, to be unforgettable, even for a lil while. and maybe, jst maybe, it’s okay if they couldnt stay. becoz those words werent jst about u - they were a mirror, showing them wat they cldnt keep and showin u jst how much ur worth.

and in the quiet of the absence, u’ll learn to hold onto urself a lil tighter. becoz one day, u’ll realize it is not about whether they’ll find someone like u or not. it is about knwg dat ur still here, still whole, still glowing, even when they r not.

"apa-apa je lah" mode.

 

i'm in my quiet era now. malas nak kecoh-kecoh. apa-apa je lah. i am putting my "pi mampos" mode and attitude, even more lately. it’s not resignation; it’s peace. i no longer feel the need to explain myself or control everythg around me. life happens, and i’ve learned to let it. the waves crash, the storms come and go, but i am gonna stand still, watching, accepting. selagi tak pijak kepala aku, i am ok wit it.

watever happens, happens. i used to fight against life’s unpredictability, but now i see it for wat it is - a flow we cant always direct. not every moment needs fixing, and not every battle needs fighting. some thgs r meant to jst be. rmbr the thgs u can change, and thgs dat u cant change? i will be all out if it is in my hand. but if it is not - u can go fly kite.

i dun hav much to say anymore. not becoz i’ve run out of words, but becoz silence speaks louder now. i’ve found comfort in holding back, in letting thoughts linger w/o the urgency to share them. it feels lighter dis way.

no, it is not dat i am givin up or somethg. it is not i am bein a pessimist ke apa. the fact is - it is wat it is. life isnt perfect, but it’s real. i’ve stopped chasing answers and started appreciating the beauty in wat’s here, now. now. the now dat matters. and u knw wat? life goes on. no matter the fcuk it is, the world keeps turning, reminding me to keep moving forward, even in the quiet.

judge me not. i am not lazy or some kinda shyte. but dis is my space now - calm, reflective, and rilek-rilek dah la. a reminder dat sometimes, letting go is the only way to truly hold on.

the nothgness.

 

sometimes, u jst want to keep thgs to urself. no plans, no noise, no need to explain anythg to anyone. on your off days, staying home and doin nothg feels like a gift - a moment jst for u.

it’s not about being lazy or avoiding the world. it is about enjoying ur own company, letting ur mind breathe, and appreciating the stillness around u. the sound of rain, the hum of the fan above ur head, or even the quiet - it all feels enough.

ppl might wonder y u choose to spend ur time like dis, but they dun need to understand. these moments r urs. they let u reset, find peace, and rmbr wat it feels like to jst be.

sometimes, doin nothg isnt empty. it’s full of everythg u need.

--

ok, esk keje. ha ha

a hollow echo.

tonite, there’s a strange quiet inside - an emptiness dat neither noise nor stillness can fill. it’s not quite sadness; sadness is heavy and undeniable. dis feels lighter, more elusive, like tryin to hold onto a fuckin smoke. a bloody blank space.

u’ve felt it before, havent u? dat moment after a deep sigh, when ur lungs r empty, and for a fleeting second, they hesitate. maybe it’s the weight of time - or the lack of it. the days blur by, full of tasks and conversations, yet at night, it feels like u’ve been runnin in circles. connected, yet somehow still alone. like a tree standing tall but hollowed out by storms, its core whispering quiet secrets.

u wonder if dis hollow is a wound or a space waitin to be filled. maybe it’s both. maybe it holds wat u’ve lost - old dreams, forgotten loves, or pieces of urself u cant quite recognize. or maybe it’s where new thgs r meant to grow, where possibilities wait patiently for u to notice them.

but how the fcuk do u plant seeds in a space dat feels endless? how the hell do u fill a void when u dun even know wat it craves?

tonite, u dun try to answer. u let the hollow be, w/o drowning it in noise or distractions. it’s uncomfortable, yes, no doubt - but it’s honest. and maybe dat’s enough - to acknowledge it, name it, and accept dat some questions dun hav answers, yet.

the hollow is here, and so r u. for tonite, dat’s enuff.