half of u stayed wit him

yesterday, someone i care about, lost his father. and it wrecked somethg inside me too.

bcoz i knw dat kinda pain. the kinda pain dat doesnt scream, but stays - quiet and constant - like a hole carved in ur chest dat nothg ever quite fills. when i lost mine - 13 years ago, it felt like half of me got up and left with him. it was a strange kinda emptiness. u can laugh, talk, go to work, even smile - but theres a heaviness beneath it all. a shadow dat follows u home. a weight in ur chest dat doesnt lift.

ppl will tell u 'he's in a better place', 'Allah loves him more', or 'he lived a good life'.. they mean well. but none of dat touches the place in u dat aches to hear his voice again. to hav one more meal together. one more hug. one more ordinary day dat u did not knw wld be the last.

and when dat person is ur dad - it changes somethg fundamental in u.

it was not jst a death. it was the end of a chapter dat held ur childhood, ur comfort, ur belonging. the one who knew ur earliest fears, ur lil victories. who mght not hav said much, but somehow made the whole wide world feel sturdier jst by being in it. 

and if u read dis - do knw dat the grief is ugly. it's unpredictable. and it doesnt care how strong u r. u'll feel numb. then u'll cry out of nowhere. then u'll feel guilty for everythg. i knw how it feels.

but u get to let all of it happen. there's no right way to mourn. only ur way.

they taught us everythg about love, life, and all. but they did not teach us on how to live life, without them. no, they did not. so if ur way means collapsing at 3am, staring at the ceiling, missing the way he used to call ur name - so be it. u dun move on from dis kinda loss. u move wit it. some days it will feel lighter. some days it will break u all over again.

but dis, i promise u: u will grow around the grief. and love will still find u, even in the hollow places. and until then, i am sitting here quietly - for u. in the ache. in the  silence. in the memory.

--

al Fatihah.

semoga Allah menempatkan arwah ayah kita dalam kalangan mrk yg dikasihi dan dirahmati Allah, hendaknya. ameen yra.