kinda love u deserve.

 

in a relationship, truth shldnt feel like a crime scene u r forced to investigate. love was never meant to turn u into a detective - checking, doubting, reading between silences, searching for wat shld hav been given freely.

when somethg is real, it doesnt hide. it sits in the open. it speaks clearly. it lets u rest.

a real relationship is build on trust - the kind dat doesnt make u question ur own instincts. the kind where honesty is not dragged out, but offered. where conversations r safe, not startegic. where u r loved, w/o confusion.

and if u read dis - do knw u deserve dat kinda love. not half-truths. not secrets dresses as privacy. not the exhaustion of chasing clarity from someone who keeps moving it further away.

u deserve peace. openess. somethg honest enough dat u never hav to go lookin for the truth - bcoz it was there wit u, all along.

the knwing.

 

theres a time u wld wait for it, like it meant somethg. not loudly, not in ways anyone cld see - jst in small, quiet habits u never admitted to. a glance here, a pause there, dat subtle hope u carried wit u thru the day. day after day. month after month. it became somethg familiar, almost comforting in its own strange way.

and when it came - it always felt like relief. like somethg u din realise u were holding ur breath for had finally let u exhale. u never questioned it. u never stopped urself. u jst let it in. easily. naturally. like it belonged. again and again.

but now - it finally comes. the same way. the same fcuking presence. the same thg dat used to mean everythg. only dis time - it doesnt stay.

theres no rush in u anymore. no quiet excitement building in ur chest. u dun find urself reaching for it the way u used to. instead, theres jst a pause - and then a kind of silence dat lingers longer than it shld. not uncomfortable, jst unfamiliar. it feels like hearing somethg once important, but from a distance. like it belongs to a version of u, u can still rmbr clearly.. but no more.

and u keep thinkin about dat version of u - the one who wldve been so sure, so present, so willing to hold onto dis moment like it mattered. u wonder when dat changed. u wonder when u stopped waiting w/o even noticing u had.

bcoz nothg about it really different. the same pattern, the same return, the same ol'shyte. the same feelin dat once pulled u in w/o effort. but somewhere along the way, somethg in u learned to stay still. not out of anger. not even out of hurt any more. jst, a quiet kind of knwing.

and maybe dats wat makes it feel a lil heavier then u expected – not the absence of wat u used to feel; but the realization dat u rmbr it so well - and still cant feel it the same, anymore.

the ppl we cant find twice

some ppl r truly once-in-a-lifetime. u wont find them twice, and once they r gone, no one else will ever feel the same again.

we live in a world dat tells us to "move on"fast, as if ppl r interchangeable and connections r disposable. but the truth is, some bonds leave fingerprints on ur soul. these ppl saw u differently. they understood u in ways no one else cld, or wld; bringing out a version dat only existed when u were wit them. losing them is not jst about losing a person - it is about losing dat specific part of urself. 

often, we hurt those closest to us - not bcoz we r mean, but bcoz we r careless. we take thgs for granted. we assume forgiveness is a bottomless pit and dat they'll always come back. dat they'll stay there, stays the same forever. but not everyone waits. some ppl walk away quietly, carrying their pain wit dignity. by the time u realise wat they actually meant to u - their absence is alrdy permanent.

so, rmbr dis - be gentle wit the hearts dat trust u. speak wit kindness. put urself in it, and see hows thgs goes around. apologise when u fcukin mess up. appreciate the ppl who bring light into ur life while they r still standing in front of u. the most meaningful connections r often the most fragile; once broken, they dun always come back.

not every soul is replaceable. some r one of a kind. dun push em away, bcoz u mght never find their kinda, again.

now, u do u.

u hav always believed in somethg quite simple: if s'one truly wants to, they will. u believe dis bcoz when u wanted to be there for s'one, u made sure dat u were.

there were times when u showed up even tho u were tired. there were days when ur schedule was already full, yet u still made time. u chose effort instead of excuses. when ppl arnd u were struggling, u tried to check in on them. u replied to msges, u listened, and u stayed present, even during moments when u were dealing wit ur own fcukin shytes.

u did not walk away simply bcoz thgs became uncomfortable, inconvenient, or bloody slow. commitment, to u, means stayin thru the difficult parts as well, not only when thgs feel easy. u hav always believed dat presence and support carry real weight. no one deserves to feel alone or abandoned when they r goin thru somethg shitty shyte.

over time, dis has taught u somethg. when ppl say they care, but their actions show the fcuking opposite, the answer is alrdy there. words can be reassuring, but still, words can be cheap, and actions reveal the truth. all the fcukin time.

when someone genuinely cares, u do not hav to keep questioning it. u do not feel as if u r asking for too much, and u r not left guessing where u stand. effort becomes visible. real care shows itself thru consistency, presence, and the willingness to try.

and dats how it is.

do the difficult thg.

 

some days, the best thg u can do is get the hell outta bed even tho u dun knw y. u move even if the day feels heavy before it even starts. u wash ur face, drin some water, and eat somethg simple. u dun do dis bcoz u feel powerful; u do it bcoz being alive is an act of resistance.

u write one sentence. then another. the words come out slowly and clumsily, but they do come. and u knw dat the day like dis, dats all u need. u either talk to someone or u dun, but u allow ur voice out of ur bloody head. u go to places u said u wanna go, even tho u really want to cancel. u stay away from the thg u promised urself u wldnt go back to, even tho it still calls ur bloody name.

u pull back the curtains and let the light touch everythg u've been avoiding. u go to bed when u meant to, not when ur too tired to stay awake. u forgive ppl who never deserved ur fcukin kindness, not for their sake but bcoz ur sick of carryin em. after dat, u fcukin let em go. totally.

u start to look for the truth in the fractures of ur life. dats where the answers r. u eat, even if u do it alone in public places, sitting quietly and learning how to live w/o getting smaller. u let go of thgs dat dun fit anymore, even if they used to keep u alive. u walk about bcoz even a lil bit of movement is still hope.

u either answer a text or u dun. u find out dat not sayin anythg is also a choice - and u learn dat in a hard way. and before the day is out, u do one small thg dat brings u closer to the person u wanna be. 

and somehow - w/o even knwing it - u get thru another day.

---

gdnyte.

longing is strange, isnt it?

 

longing is strange, isnt it? it doesnt show up when ur alrdy sad - it shows up when u think ur doin fcukin fine.

ur goin about ur day, minding ur shyte well, and then suddenly a name crosses ur bloody mind. someone u used to care about. someone who - and one fuckin point, felt important in a way dat's hard to explain now. ur not tryin to rmbr them - but darn the thought jst slips in.

life has a way of moving ppl around w/o much explanation. no big argument. no fcukin dramatic ending. jst time, distance, and silence slowly settling in. and u tell urself dat u've moved on. most days, u probably fcukin hav.

still, some memories stick around. thet come back at ease. they come back in some quiet moment. late at nite. early in the morn. when thgs slow down enuff for ur bloody thoughts to catch up wit u.

u dun miss the person the way u used to. wat u miss is how life felt back then. lighter. simpler. maybe it is the version of u dat existed in dat season dat ur really missing. they r probably living their own life now. in a good way. better w/o u. busy wit their own worries, their own joys. and honestly u hope they r ok. there is no anger in dat, any more. ur too tired for such shitty shyte. jst acceptance, dats all left.

but then - some names stay wit us. not loudly. not painfully. jst quietly. and maybe, i said maybe - dat's normal. maybe it jst means u once felt deeply – and dat part of u is still very much alive.

be here.

i think the most beautiful part of life is dat we never realize we r in the good days while we r living them. u dun notice the last time ur fren r all in the same room. u dun knw the last time u'll sit in ur childhood home, or hear a certain voice say ur name. u dun rmbr how good it was hugging ur own child. u dun realize u'll miss the way ur life felt before everythg changed, bcoz it all jst feels normal, routine, like some kinda background noise.

until suddenly it is not. until those small, ordinary fcukin moment become the one u ache for the most.

and years from now - when u r flipping thru some old photos or hearing a song u forgot meant somethg, u'll feel dis. dat longing, dat quiet realization dat the best parts of life were never the loud ones.

so be here. feel it. bcoz one day u'll wish u cld go back. not to change anythg, but jst to feel it one more time.