half of u stayed wit him

yesterday, someone i care about, lost his father. and it wrecked somethg inside me too.

bcoz i knw dat kinda pain. the kinda pain dat doesnt scream, but stays - quiet and constant - like a hole carved in ur chest dat nothg ever quite fills. when i lost mine - 13 years ago, it felt like half of me got up and left with him. it was a strange kinda emptiness. u can laugh, talk, go to work, even smile - but theres a heaviness beneath it all. a shadow dat follows u home. a weight in ur chest dat doesnt lift.

ppl will tell u 'he's in a better place', 'Allah loves him more', or 'he lived a good life'.. they mean well. but none of dat touches the place in u dat aches to hear his voice again. to hav one more meal together. one more hug. one more ordinary day dat u did not knw wld be the last.

and when dat person is ur dad - it changes somethg fundamental in u.

it was not jst a death. it was the end of a chapter dat held ur childhood, ur comfort, ur belonging. the one who knew ur earliest fears, ur lil victories. who mght not hav said much, but somehow made the whole wide world feel sturdier jst by being in it. 

and if u read dis - do knw dat the grief is ugly. it's unpredictable. and it doesnt care how strong u r. u'll feel numb. then u'll cry out of nowhere. then u'll feel guilty for everythg. i knw how it feels.

but u get to let all of it happen. there's no right way to mourn. only ur way.

they taught us everythg about love, life, and all. but they did not teach us on how to live life, without them. no, they did not. so if ur way means collapsing at 3am, staring at the ceiling, missing the way he used to call ur name - so be it. u dun move on from dis kinda loss. u move wit it. some days it will feel lighter. some days it will break u all over again.

but dis, i promise u: u will grow around the grief. and love will still find u, even in the hollow places. and until then, i am sitting here quietly - for u. in the ache. in the  silence. in the memory.

--

al Fatihah.

semoga Allah menempatkan arwah ayah kita dalam kalangan mrk yg dikasihi dan dirahmati Allah, hendaknya. ameen yra.

u still dun knw y, do u?

u dun really knw wat happened. 

one moment they were there - familiar, present, part of ur daily rhythm, filling in ur pulse and every heartbeats - and then suddenly, they were not. no msg explaining y. no clear goodbye. jst spaces. distance. silence.

and now u r left sitting wit it. wit the not knowing. wit the fcukin weight of words unsaid, and questions dat echo in ur chest, at night.

u've tried to be logical about it. maybe u missed somethg. maybe they were hurting. maybe they were struggling. or maybe u were not enough. or, too much? u've twisted urself into every version of "wat if" jst to find some kinda closure - but it never really comes, does it?

instead, u tell urself stories to ease the fcukin ache. u imagine they r still nearby. dat they hav not really 'left' - they r jst moved next door. dat somehow, they r still close, watching quietly, thinkin of u from across some invisible wall. and in a way, dat helps. it keeps u from falling apart.

but here the thg no one tell u: even if they r jst next door.. wat good is dat if they act like u r not even there? if they've stopped listening? if they've closed the door and u r still fcukin standin outside hoping it'll open again? 

u r holding on to somethg they've alrdy walked away from.

and dats the hardest part - isnt it? the holding on. the fcukin holdin on when u dun knw wats left to cling on to. the waiting for clarity dat may never come. the silence dat feels heavier than any argument cld. bcoz u din get to say, "wait". u din get to ask, "why". u din get a choice.

yet, here u r. standing infront of somethg dat dosnt move. u dun knw whether to stay, or walk away. u hav told urself they r jst next door - still around, still reachable, still caring in some invisible way. maybe dats true. maybe it is not. ur not even sure anymore. u keep hoping for a sign, somethg dat says u still matter. but the fcukin silence jst keep goin.

and no matter how close they mght be, it doesnt feel like they r coming back, u r still here, jst like before, stuck between remembering and and letting go - unsure if ur holding on to somethg good, or jst the echo of it.

maybe u'll figure it out. maybe u wont.

dis is how u knw it is real..

loving someone is not about grand, big gestures. it is about paying attention.

it is choosing to learn them. their habits. the moods. their weird taste in music. u play the songs they like even if u'd never queue  it urself. u eat wat comforts them, even it is too sweet or too spicy for ur own liking.

u watch the reel they send - even if u r alrdy seen it - bcoz they tot of u when the hit "share".

u listen when they speak about thgs dat matter to them, even when u dun fully understand. even they themselves dun giv a flyin fcuk about ur story. for u think u dun need to. u r there. and dats enuff. u start to notice wat makes them light up. u rmbr it. u look for ways to add more of it into the life u r building together.

u learn how they like their drink. wat gets under their skin. wat helps them off sleepin. u pick up on the lil details dat most ppl miss - and u carry them wit u,

to love some is to keep discovering them, layer by layer. not bcoz u hav to, but bcoz u want to. bcoz knwg them deeper is its on kinda joy.

u tried. they did not.

someone once asked u, "y din u stop him when he started pulling away?". and for a sec., u din knw how to answer. bcoz the trust is not as simple as they think. u did try. u reached out, u gav them space, chance - more than they deserved. u kept showing up, hoping they wld too. but they din. and dat silence? it wasnt bcoz u din care. it was bcoz deep down, u were alrdy doin everythg u cld.

the hard truth u eventually had to face is dis: when someone genuinely wants u, u wont hav to chase them. u wont be stuck second-guessing ur worth, or wondering if u matter. real ove doesnt make u beg for attention. it shows up. it fuckin stays. it speaks - even when thgs get hard.

the problem was not dat u din love enuff. it is dat u were loving someone who made u forget to love urself. u tot being patient wld fix it, dat holding on tighter wld bring them closer. but if only left u empty. and in the end - u were not lettin them go, bczo u stopped caring. u let go bcoz u finally realised u were done being an afterthought. u deserve a love dat is certain, present, and real - not one u hav to chase in silence.

break, but stay kind

 

u hate how easily u get hurt by ppl. it is like even the smallest thgs cut fcukin deep - a careless word, a cold tone, being left out, or being taken for granted. and when it happens, it makes u feel like u dun matter. like u r jst.. not enuff. not worth a fcukin effort.

there r moment when the pain feels too much. not bcoz ur weak, but bcoz u cared. bcoz u gav ur bloody best. and yet, some ppl still treat u like cold shyte. like ur invisible. like ur kindness is somethg to be used, not appreciated.

u jst wish ppl understood how heavy their words and actions can be. dat sometimes, wat they say in passing, stays wit someone for years. for a long time. dat healing is not as simple as "moving on". for someone like u, it is slow. it is so fcukin slow. it is quiet. and it hurts long after the moment is gone.

u dun heal easily. u carry thgs wit u. u wish u r jst like everyone out there. but u jst cant. u replay situations, wondering wat u did wrong, or y u were not enuff. and the truth is, u hate dat about urself - dat u feel too deeply, for everythg. dat u care so much.

sometimes u wish u din. u wish u cld jst switch it off, stop the overthinking, stop givin chances, stop givin a fly fcuk, stop hoping ppl will be better. but u cant. u jst cant. it is not who u r. wat hurts the most is not jst the pain - it is the feelin like u hav no choice but to accept it quietly. to carry it alone while still tryin to be kind.

all u've ever wanted is for the love and care u giv to be returned. not perfectly, no. jst, honestly. genuinely. bcoz feeling too much shldnt be a curse.

and yet, sometimes, it feels like it is.

not every chapter has to be loud

 

u dun talk enuff about the quiet parts of ur life - the one dat unfold in the background. the moments when ur doin dishes and ur mind drifts. when ur scrolling endlessly, not really lookin for anytg but hoping somethg clicks. when ur stuck in traffic and suddenly wondering if u've fallen behind in life, if u've missed somethg important while jst tryin to hold thgs together. 

no one really prepares u for these in-between spaces. they r not the parts ppl write speeches about, or post on soc med. but they r fcukin real. and they - ofkoz, carry weight. u end up holding thgs u cant name - the unspoken worries, quiet disappointments, small aches dat build over time. and yet, somehow, u keep showin up. u keep goin, still.

these moments matter more than u think. they shape u quietly - w/o fireworks, w/o applause. they teach u resilience, even when u dun feel strong. u grow ur dpeth, ur compassion, and ur understanding of it means to be a human. u may not see the progress, but is is there - in the way u keep tryin, even when no one's watching. well, at least dats wat u think.

the truth is, ur figuring it out as u go. u r not supposed to hav it all together. some days, jst gettin outta bed, showing up, or breathing thru the weight ur carryin - darn wats a win. dats fcukin strength.

so, if ur readin dis - and if u r in a season dat feels messy, uncertain, or painfully still - let dis be ur reminder. u r not broken. and u r not behind. the quiet parts of ur story matter jst as much as the loud ones. u r not doin life wrong. u r living it - and dat, in itself, is more than fcukin enuff.

u hav a good Friday ahead. the weekend is here, afterall. 

may Allah ease everythg.

the silence u choose.

s'times it is easier for u to jst stay silent than to explain how not ok u really r. u knw - deep down - dat there r ppl who care. but u also believe they'll never fully understand the weight u carry inside.

ur sick wit the whole thg. u really r. and if u ever dared to say dat out loud, ppl wld rush in wit motivation, wit encouragement, wit their best intentions. and yes, u knw they mean well. u knw they r tryin to help. but still - those words dun reach u  anymore. not when u've heard them over and over again, hoping they'd be true. hoping trow really wld be better. and yet, here ur - still struggling.

so when someone asks if ur alrite, u'd rather jst say "i am fine", "i am good". not bcoz it is, but bcoz it is easier than explaining the whole fcukin thang wat cant be explained.

u do wanna share ur piece of story. but not wit someone who'll sprinkle silver linings over ur fcukin storm. ur not looking for some bright skies - u want someone who gets the rain. someone who understand dat life is not always beautiful, dat some days r jst.. probably, survival. u dun need cheering up. u need honesty. u need someone who wont flinch when u say, "i am fcukin tired. i am on the edge". someone who wont try to fix u, but will jst sit wit u in the heaviness, and say "i knw it's hurt. and i am here".

until then, u will keep it all inside. not bcoz u want to, but bcoz u r still waitin for dat one person who doesnt jst hear u - but feels u. someone who understands dat u r not jst feelin low, u r fighting not to let go.

life doesnt forget.

 

ppl often overlook dis - how u treat others sticks around and doesnt jst fade away. it jst stays put. it sticks around - in memories, in scars, in those places where trust once thrived. u knw, life really has a funny way of coming full circle, whether we notice it or not. it mght take some time, but eventually, u'll find urself wit the impact of how u made others feel.

some ppl mght think dat when someone goes quiet, it means they've forgiven, or if they din fight back, they r ok wit wat went down. silence is not about forgettin; it is more about holdin back. it is about someone opting for their own peace instead of gettin caught in the fcukin drama of confrontation. jst bcoz they din show it doesnt mean they werent hurt. they figured it was more worthwhile to focus on wat matters rather than gettin into a bloody fight.

as u keep goin, actin like everythg's fine - life jst keeps track of it all. u knw, it is funny how all the disrespect, emotional manipulation, and lies - even those lil moments u brushed off - can really start to add up, right? it is not about punishment; it is more like lessons dat tend to circle back to u, usually when u least expect them.

at some point, u mght find urself lookin for somethg genuine. when u r fed up wit all the chaos and jst want some peace and quiet. when ur lookin for honesty, and someone who really understands u - and in dat moment, u mght jst come to see dat u've had it before, maybe even a few times, and somehow u slet it slipped away from u. it is not dat they gav up; they jst decided to walk away when they realised u were not ready to treat them the way they deserved.

by the time u realise wats goin on, those ppl mght hav alrdy created a better version of their life - w/o u around. they din jst bounce back; they came back even stronger. they started to appreciate themselves more. and u? u start to wonder y, wat and how. wat went wrong. even if ur apology is heartfelt by dat time, it is goin to come off as too lil, too late.

some bridges dun jst burn, rmbr dat. they disappear when someone gives up on waiting for u, to change.

u loved. u tried. u grew.

all u want at the end of the day is to be able to view urself wit a calmed pride. not dat kinda yells or grabs attention; rather, the kinda seems earned and honest. u wanna be happy of the person u've developed - the decisions u took, the ideals u kept, the manner u loved.

even if u din feel safe to do so - u wanna knw dat u offered ur heart fully. dat u din shut urself off only since life had let u down. u still tried even thru disappointment. u still expressed concern. u still showed up for ppl u love bcoz dat is who u r, not bcoz u had to. and dat counts.

more than anythg, u wanna believe dat ur presence made a difference - dat the ppl around u felt seen, felt understood, felt a lil less alone bcoz u were there, in their life. u wanna knw dat ur effort meant somethg, even if it wasnt always recognised. dat ur empathy, ur patience, ur time - they counted.

u wanna be glad for the messier aspects of life u managed. u din avoid the difficult thgs, which is more important than dat u got everythg perfect. u answered it. u cld feel it. u came away from it knowing. u let urself flourish even tho dat meant suffering. even wit ur heart now ready, u let go when it was time. and by doin dis - u cleared room for improved opportunities.

u wanna be able to say - wit clarity and conviction, dat u din let pain define u. dat u din let ur flaws hold ur back. dat u din spend ur life waiting for the perfect moment to live - but instead chose to life fully - even on those fcukin imprects days.

in the end, when u look back - wat u'll want most is to be able to say dat u din waste ur time here. dat u survived everythg dat was meant to break u - and shomehow, in the process; u became someone even better.

and dats the version u worth being proud of.

read dis - when ur sad.

 

let it out. dun hold back. cry if u need to. punch a pillow if dat helps. jst dun pretend ur ok when ur clearly fcukin not.

no, u dun deserve the pain ur feeling. and no, being kind doesnt mea u shld keep taking hits - but dun let dis world turn u cold. ur better than dat. some ppl will hurt u jst bcoz they can. dat says more about them than it does about u. and slowly, they'll answer for it - in their own silent way.

talk to God. seriously. He gets it. more than anyone else ever cld. u dun hav to explain. jst speak. let it out. or sit in silence. He hears u either way.

do somethg small for urself. take a long hot shower. listen to some good music - not the kinda matches ur sadness, but the kind dat pulls u out of it. laugh, even if it hurts. and looks silly. even if it is fake at first.

put ur phone down for a bit. read somethg dat fills ur mind, instead of draining it. write a to-do list; not to fix ur bloody life, but jst to giv u a place to start. doodle. scribble. ope ur journal back again and pour everythg out.

call someone. someone who care. who'd listen, w/o talk back to u. hug someone. let someone see u like dis. u dun hav to carry it alone. for ur not weak - ur jst human.

and believe me - dis pain? it wont last forever. a year from now, dis wont break u anymore. dis, wont fcukin break u, any longer. if anythg, it'll remind u how far u've come.

rmbr - u've got ppl who love u. dun ever forget dat. 

u r goin to be ok. even if it doesnt feel like it, right now.

|rant|

 

i used to listen to many thgs before. thgs i shldnt, thgs i dun wanna knw, thgs i dun giv a flyin fcuk, but finally tau jgk, and many more. ofkoz, ppl come and go, ppl came up to me and share thgs. vent out and leave. but most of the time, aku jst dengar je, and aku tau how and when to react, and when and which one ko perlu jst giv a cold shoulder. 

 but lately, i started to feel differently. 

aku mula rasa serabut to thgs i dun wanna knw, to thgs i dun really care, thgs dat had nothg to do wit me, thgs i dun giv a fcuk. but then again, ppl came up and keep pouring thgs out, and dat drains me off. and honestly.. aku penat. bkn penat fizikal. tp penat yg jenis ko tak reti nak explain. bercampur-campur. dulu, aku bley je steady lepak and listen to them. smile a bit, nod here and there, buat muka neutral, then move on. dat is ur problem, and i am not gonna make it mine - mcm tu. but now, benda² yg aku tak mtk nak tau ni pun dah rasa berat giler. mcm every time someone dumps their shyte on me, aku plak yg kena kutip and simpan, while aku sendiri had no space pun nak hadap and keep semua jadah tu.

kdg aku asked myself, bila masa aku jd tmpt dump all tales? bila plak aku agree nak tahu benda yg aku sendiri taknak tahu pun? yg tak ada kena mengena dgn aku? but ppl still turn up. they talk. they unload. and then they leave. 

and aku? tinggal dengan semua beban tu. lately, aku dah start rasa tak bley blah. i dun wanna listen. i dun wanna knw. and i dun wanna care pun. tp still.. it fcukin drains me. wat about me? time aku nak berkongsi rasa? nak bercerita? u care? u got time? no. u jst pretend to listen (if u do) and then u preach, as if u knw the bloody best for fcukin everybdy.

maybe tak de mender pun. maybe i am feelin a bit overwhelmed. or probably, aku jst overthinking je lately. tp tu lah.

aku rasa nak jst keep mum. go missing. or maybe, i cld jst blatantly say 'no' to them all. sbb benda yang dulu aku boleh handle wit a smile, now rasa mcm buat aku go breathless. 

i am jst tired. probably sbb aku jst diam. as usual.