|rant|

 

i used to listen to many thgs before. thgs i shldnt, thgs i dun wanna knw, thgs i dun giv a flyin fcuk, but finally tau jgk, and many more. ofkoz, ppl come and go, ppl came up to me and share thgs. vent out and leave. but most of the time, aku jst dengar je, and aku tau how and when to react, and when and which one ko perlu jst giv a cold shoulder. 

 but lately, i started to feel differently. 

aku mula rasa serabut to thgs i dun wanna knw, to thgs i dun really care, thgs dat had nothg to do wit me, thgs i dun giv a fcuk. but then again, ppl came up and keep pouring thgs out, and dat drains me off. and honestly.. aku penat. bkn penat fizikal. tp penat yg jenis ko tak reti nak explain. bercampur-campur. dulu, aku bley je steady lepak and listen to them. smile a bit, nod here and there, buat muka neutral, then move on. dat is ur problem, and i am not gonna make it mine - mcm tu. but now, benda² yg aku tak mtk nak tau ni pun dah rasa berat giler. mcm every time someone dumps their shyte on me, aku plak yg kena kutip and simpan, while aku sendiri had no space pun nak hadap and keep semua jadah tu.

kdg aku asked myself, bila masa aku jd tmpt dump all tales? bila plak aku agree nak tahu benda yg aku sendiri taknak tahu pun? yg tak ada kena mengena dgn aku? but ppl still turn up. they talk. they unload. and then they leave. 

and aku? tinggal dengan semua beban tu. lately, aku dah start rasa tak bley blah. i dun wanna listen. i dun wanna knw. and i dun wanna care pun. tp still.. it fcukin drains me. wat about me? time aku nak berkongsi rasa? nak bercerita? u care? u got time? no. u jst pretend to listen (if u do) and then u preach, as if u knw the bloody best for fcukin everybdy.

maybe tak de mender pun. maybe i am feelin a bit overwhelmed. or probably, aku jst overthinking je lately. tp tu lah.

aku rasa nak jst keep mum. go missing. or maybe, i cld jst blatantly say 'no' to them all. sbb benda yang dulu aku boleh handle wit a smile, now rasa mcm buat aku go breathless. 

i am jst tired. probably sbb aku jst diam. as usual.