happy bday, dear self!

 

31.01.2025/Friday/12.35am.

---

it's my birthday.

another year folded, tucked away in the archives of time, leavin behind echoes of laughter, moments of stillness, and the quiet hum of lessons learnt. it feels strange, dis day. a reminder dat time is moving, always moving, whether i am ready or not.

i shld be grateful. and i am.

grateful for the days dat came bearing warmth, for the ppl who hav stood beside me - some unwavering, some passing like seasons. grateful for the struggles dat shaped me, the quiet victories, and even the losses dat left empty spaces in the heart. each moment, whether joyous or painful, has been a teacher, carving depth into the existence. grateful for the chances I had and the opportunities i pursued. 

yet, beneath the gratitude, there is somethg else - a quiet melancholy dat lingers like a shadow at the edge of the thoughts. it's the weight of the unknown. the realization dat no matter how much i hav seen, how much i hav done, the road ahead remains unwritten, a blank space filled wit both possibility and uncertainty. i can feel the changes is near, yet i am not sure wat it is.

another year older, another year wiser, or so they say. but wat does wisdom look like? is it the ability to embrace change w/o fear? to accept dat not all questions will hav answers? to understand dat life is not about grasping at time but rather letting it unfold, moment by moment? i dun knw.

there is a certain hollowness in knwing dat life moves forward whether u hav figured it out or not. a part of u aches for the simplicity of past years, when birthdays were just cake and laughter, w/o the weight of reflection pressing against ur chest. but here u r, on the precipice of another year, feelin everythg all at once.

i do not knw wat the next year holds, and perhaps dat is the point. i mght be around havin the same contemplating thoughts as now next year, or maybe not. the unknown will always be there, waitin. but so will i. wit all dat i hav become, and all dat i am still becoming.

today is my birthday. and i will wake up, breathe in the air of another year, and step forward. one foot in gratitude, the other in wonder.

u hav pleasant day ahead, Shahezam!

and ur alive.

 

sometimes, i pause and jst think about how lucky i am to be alive. life can be so chaotic and unpredictable, and it's easy to take it for granted if we dun stop to appreciate it. but when i do, i am amazed by the fact dat i'm here, experiencing everythg.

imagine dis - out of so many possibilities, i'm here, alive, breathing, and feeling. the chances of being born, surviving childhood, and going thru life's ups and downs are very slim. but here i am, learning and living every day.

every morning, i wake up feeling thankful. i'm thankful for the birds singing outside my window, my favorite coffee, and the ppl who matter to me. i appreciate the opportunities i've had, the thgs i've tried, and even the failures becoz they taught me somethg. even when thgs are tough, i remind myself: i am here.

life is full of close calls - times when thgs cld hav gone differently. knwing dis makes me grateful for everythg - the kindness of strangers, the love from family and friends, and the lil beautiful moments in dly life.

i choose to celebrate my life not jst on special days, but every day. life, wit all its messiness, is a stroke of luck. 

and i am very grateful to be part of it.

---

gdnyte!

small space between us.

 

dat comforts me somewat; the thought dat, at birth we r gently bein separated from the universe, and at death we r lovingly given back to it. i really feel i hav seen wat dat must feel like - discovered where we come from, and where we r going. it is like the space arnd a hug between two ppl u care deeply about: a parent who keeps u firm, a wife who loves u, a child who inspires u, a sibling who understands u, or a fren who reminds u of who u r. 

dat warmth, dat instant but deep moment, feels like some small part of us noticing some other part of itself nearby. and i believe dat it is in dat smallest, infinite space between us, where lives forever.

biggest scar.

 

they come from lil thgs - a smile dat made u happy once, a moment dat felt perfect but faded wit time. u forget em, but they stay wit u, shaping how u see the world, how u trust, how u love.

and maybe it is better dat way. if we rmbred every single thg dat hurt or changed us, we’d never be able to move on. we’d be stuck, scared to feel again. we’d never get anythg done.

so, we carry those scars quietly and keep goin, becoz dats how life works.

Wet-nesday is here!

 

look around. it is the mid of the week already. time flies, kan? emm, actualy tak jgk. it feels like ages mggu ni. but then again, Monday’s chaos has passed, Tuesday’s grind is behind us, and now, here we r - right in the mid of everythg. not quite at the finish line, but pretty much away from where we started.

midweek days are strange. they r not just some Wednesday. they’re often overlooked, rushed thru. but Wednesday has its own quiet beauty if we pause long enuff to notice it. as the sun rose, the world kept turning, and somehow, despite everythg, we r still standing. breathin. kickin arses. and dats worth somethg sbnrnya.

maybe thgs are not perfect today. maybe u r tired, juggling too much, or feeling stuck in routine. but it is midweek - a checkpoint, a moment to breathe and realign. the weekend will come, but today? today is here now.

take it for wat it is. a step forward. a reminder dat u’ve made it dis far. dun rush thru it. let it be enuff. keep doin wat ur doin, even if ur draggin ur arse along. walk, crawl, drag urself if u must - it is still movement. sometimes, life feels like dat: pushing through tiredness, routine, or even your own thoughts. but wats important is ur still showing up.

keep goin. even if it is messy, even if it feels slow. there’s no rule sayin u hav to do it perfectly. jst do it. jst.fcukin.do.it. pick urself up. dust urself off. one more step, one more task, one more day. and it is not about waiting for somethg grand to happen - it is about appreciating the quiet, simple progress we r makin. 

and today is exactly dat: quiet progress. stay wit it.

it's Wet-nesday!

one day, u'll rmbr.

 

one day, u will look back and realise how many times someone tried to reach out to u, but u wldnt listen.

u’ll recall how they told u, dat ur words, ur actions - ur indifference - were chipping away at their soul. u brushed it off, thinkin it was nothg. after all, u believed they’d always be there, no matter wat. u convinced urself dat the love they had for u wld be enuff to withstand ur neglect. 

u never thought love cld run out. but it did.

u’ll rmbr how they came to u, vulnerable, wit their heart in their hands, askin u to see em, to hear em - to love em the way they loved u. u’ll rmbr the countless times they told u dat ur behaviour was hurting em, dat ur silence was louder than words, and dat ur distance felt like rejection. but u din take it seriously. u din believe they wld ever leave.

one day, u’ll sit alone wit ur thoughts, and memories will flood in.

u’ll rmbr their laughter, the sound of their voice when they said ur name, and the way their eyes sparkled when they looked at u. u’ll rmbr how they kissed u, held u, and poured their love into every lil thg they did. u’ll rmbr how they quietly stood by u, even on the days u barely noticed em, even when u made them feel like they werent enuff.

u’ll recall the times they set aside their pride to keep the peace, even when they were hurt. the times they apologised, even when they werent wrong, jst to make sure u wldnt walk away.

and when the silence becomes deafening, u’ll rmbr their voice sayin, “i’m slipping away.” but u din believe em.

u’ll think back to the quirks dat once annoyed u - their jokes, their stubbornness, their lil habits. u’ll even rmbr the times u called em “toxic” when all they ever did was hold u accountable for ur actions. they werent toxic; they jst loved u enuff to tell u the truth when no one else wld.

they made u important. they made u feel seen, valued, loved. but u? u fcukin made em feel invisible.

and now, u’re left wit silence. no more msges. no more calls. no more second chances. they were jst tired for the whole shitty thang. becoz when someone stops tryin - when they stop asking for attention or fighting for a place in ur life - it is not becoz they stopped caring. it is becoz they've given up.

one day, u’ll remember all of dis. and one day, u'll face the same shyte, being in their shoes. feeling like em. suffer like em. and when dat day comes, u’ll wish u had listened before it was too late.

a note to u.

 

dear u,

i’m sorry. truly, deeply sorry for all the moments u silenced urself - ur instincts, ur whispers, ur quiet pleas to leave. u stayed where u din feel safe, convincing urself it was jst a bloody phase. the red flags were there, clear as day, but u brushed em off, tellin urself they din matter.

u made urself hope when u shldve walked away. u believed ppl cld change if u jst loved em a lil harder. but then, they din, and u lost pieces of urself each time u stayed. forgive urself for not protecting ur own heart the way u deserved.

see urself now. hear urself. trust dat voice, the heaviness in ur chest, the knot in ur stomach. love shldnt hurt or make u question ur worth. love shldnt make u suffer. love shld feel like home - warm, comforting, and steady - not like navigating a storm.

promise to trust urself more. to listen, to honour ur feelings, even when they're uncomfortable. u deserve to feel safe. u deserve love dat doesnt come wit conditions. u, deserve better.

u cant undo the past, but moving forward, kindly do choose urself. put ur peace above someone else’s comfort. say no when ur heart tells u to.

becoz u matter. ur peace matters. and dun let anyone take dat away from you again. hell, no.

when the silence feels heavy.

 

3.05am/10.01.2025 Friday.

the hardest thg about waking up in the mid of the nite is realising dat sleep wont come as easily again. u lie there, hoping to drift off, but ur body seems to hav forgotten how to relax. the quiet arnd u feels heavy instead of comforting, and ur thoughts begin to wander - random memories, worries, and what-ifs fcukin creepin in like uninvited guests. u try shifting positions, adjusting ur pillow, but nothg works. the minutes tick by, and u r stuck in at strange in-between, neither fully awake nor asleep. 

and ur sure by the morning, it is as if u barely rested. it is not jst the lost sleep dat lingers - it is the feelin dat peace is always jst a little out of reach, slippin thru ur fingers when u need it the most.

sigh.

u hav urself.

 

aku pernah terbaca somewhere, a long time ago - yg Ernest Hemingway once said, "the hardest lesson i’ve had to learn as an adult is the relentless need to keep going, no matter how shattered i feel inside." damn, after so many years - i found dat it is to be so true, so relatable. dat no matter how shattered ko rasa about life, about thgs around u, or wat-not; u still need to keep goin. 

life doesnt pause, not even when ur hearts r heavy or ur spirits unravel. it keeps moving - unrelenting, unapologetic - demanding dat we move along. and, do u hav a choice? yes, but to move on, to go along it, and fcukin dance to it well. ko tak de masa nak stop ke aper utk tarik nafas or betulkan diri sepenuhnya pun. hidup ttp kena teruskan, s/ada ko nak atau tak nak, whether ko ready or not. harsh? well, it is. 

as kids, we believed in happy endings. tp bila dah tua ni, baru ko fhm yg hidup ni sebnrnya tak dtg dgn resolution yg mudah. or penyelesaian akan dtg bergolek kat kaki ko, jst like dat. no, it is not. it is messy, unpredictable, and often exhausting. survival is not about grand moments of triumph pun. kdg2, it is jst about waking up, showing up, and moving forward when everythg inside u wants to stop, so freakin bad.

and yet, we endure.

even when we fall apart or feel lost, we somehow find a way to keep goin. in those darkest moments, we discover strength we never knw existed pun. we learn to hold space for our pain and offer comfort to ourselves. resilience is not loud, or heroic. it is not dat quiet defiance - the refusal to let life break us completely.

one of the hardest lessons i’ve learned? no one is comin to save u. u hav to save urself. tak kira lah apa je yg org lain janji kat ko - they'll be there, be here apa jadah semua, bulshyte. u only hav ur fcukin self. u jst need to be there, for urself. so next time when someone promise u the moon the stars the watever fcuk it is - smile, and thanked em well. dun lose urself, for u mght wanna need it one day. urself, dat is. 

yet dats the miracle of being human, we manage. we stand up tall back again, tak kira lah brp kali ko tersungkur pun.  

so, here’s to us - the tired, the broken, the hopeful. we endure. we rise. and we keep going.

and wats better than dat?

surviving is enuff.

 

not everyone greets the new year wit excitement. for some of us, the fireworks, parties, and resolutions feel distant - like they belong to someone else’s world. while others r making grand plans and chasing new goals, we r jst glad we made it thru another year, another month, another day.

it is not dat we dun dream or want more out of life. it is jst dat, s'times, surviving is all we can manage. and u knw wat? fcuk it. dats ok. life doesnt always hav to be about big leaps or bold changes. s'times it is about holdin on, taking a breath, and making it to the next sunrise.

we dun talk abt dis enuff - the quiet strength it takes to keep goin when u feel like giving up. the courage it takes to face each day, even when it feels like the same struggles on repeat. penat? yes. but here we r, still standin. dats worth s'thing. duncha think so?

maybe dis year wont be about resolutions or achievements. maybe it’ll be about finding some peace - those rare, fleeting moments where we feel calm in the chaos. maybe it’ll be about learning to live more gently with ourselves, even if the world doesnt always feel gentle wit us.

for now, it is ok if surviving is all u can do. trust me, it's enuff. and maybe, jst maybe, surviving will lead us to a place where we can finally begin to live. 

until then, promise me we keep goin. one breath, one step, one day at a time.

---

selamat berbuka puasa!

whenever they make u forget.

 

it takes u a long time to find ur voice again, every single time u r made to forget. it is like stumbling thru the darkness, tryin to recall where u left the light switch, only to realize the entire room has been rearranged. the words dun come as easily as they once did. every pause feels heavy, like it is questioning ur ability to keep goin.

u r not sure if it is the forgetting itself dat hurts, or the struggle to rmbr. perhaps it is both. perhaps it’s the frustration of knwg u’ve said these thgs before, in a way dat felt right, only to hav em wiped away like they were never urs to begin wit.

learning to talk again is not jst about finding the words. it s about rebuilding the confidence, the rhythm, the trust in urself dat wat u hav to say matters. it is about pushing past the silence dat lingers too long and fightin the urge to let it win.

but u always do. u find ur way back, every time. it is messy, it is slow, and it is frustrating as hell, but u do it. becoz forgettin may set u back, but it doesnt take away wat is urs: the voice dat belongs to u, the one u’ll always reclaim.

let ppl be.

 

wld u yell at an apple tree for making apples? sounds ridiculous, i knw. the tree is jst doin wat it is meant to do - growing, thriving, bein itself. u wldnt scream at the wind for blowing or get mad at the rain for falling. these thgs jst r, and they exist w/o apology.

but when it comes to ppl, we often forget dis. we judge, we criticize, and s'times, we even demand dat they become s'thing they r not. we hate em for their quirks, for their truths, for the parts of em dat make em, them.

can we really blame s'one for bein who they r? think about it - a dog barks. it is not dat i am tryin to annoy u; it is jst a dog bein a dog. and ppl r the same. an artist creates. a thinker questions. an introvert craves their own space. these thgs r not wrong - they r jst natural.

but we get frustrated when s'one’s way of being doesnt match wat we expect or want. it is almost as if we r asking the apple tree to stop makin apples or the wind to stop blowing. and wat good wld dat do?

maybe the world wld be softer if we cld just let ppl be. appreciate em as they r  - their apples, their storms, their rain; becoz those thgs make em who they r. life is a lot more peaceful when we stop yelling at trees and start embracing the orchard around us. duncha think so?

so, let people be. the world needs all kinds - barks, storms, and apples included.