i miss him more, today.

aku rindau abah more, today. the kinda miss yg tak bley jst go missin dgn ko jst buat2 sibuk, or buat2 lupa. dis one, it sits right at ur tulang rusuk kinda shyte - it stucks there, gripping me from the inside sampai ko somehow rasa sesak nak bernafas kind of thang.

today, dat rindu dtg in a different way. probably it started bila aku berkelas, on parenting - authoritative vs autoritarian - and out of no where, aku start talking about abah. as usual, each time aku sembang pasal abah - no matter how hard, and how tough i look from the outside - i'd jst melt away, rasa sebak et al. and even dah hbs kelas, out of nowhere, the feeling dtg seret sekali semua cerita lps yg aku ingat aku dah simpan kemas-kemas, and aku refused to talk or to think about it anymore. and today, aku teringat semua - his voice, his smell, his laugh when ever he cracked some jokes; everythg - all at once.

most days, aku tipu diri sendiri - aku ok. dah nak masuk 13 thn kot. live moves on, kan? so, ko kena la move sama. but days like dis, all the shelters, all the fortresses yg ko build up - gone jst like dat, mcm kertas kena air. and i am left wit one truth - i will never stop missing him. smpai mati pun, i knw i wont.

the worst part is - aku rindu all the thgs i didnt do. semua benda yg aku simpan sbb kononnya "ada masa lagi". sbb ego. and byk sbb lagi. i sldve hugged him longer. i shldve said "along syg abah" louder, even more. aku shldve sat down wit him, asking how days treating him while his kids were not around, cerita all the chaos inside my head, instead of acting kuat all the time. instead of rasa ego and betul manjang. aku jst believe dat esk mesti ada. and i will do dat. 

but then, nobdy told me all those hari esk tu bkn hak aku. nobdy told me life can jst snatch ppl away mcm tu je. and i had to learn thgs the way - abah has gone, tggl aku dgn a heart full of unsaid thgs. 

i can still rmbr ur hands. kasar, berurat, penuh cerita hidup. hands dat held mind masa aku takut lintas jalan. hands dat slipped me duit blanja waktu aku kat hostel, w'pun aku ckp kat mak yg aku ok, tho my pocket was empty. dat quiet abah style way of saying, "amek ni.. jimat2".

abah was never the flowery words type. not the hug-u-out-of-nowhere kinda father. in fact, aku tak ingat samada abah pernah hugged aku atau tidak pun. but he had his own way. and now, only now dat i had Damia on my own, i get it. dat way - the quiet, solid love - dats the part i miss the most. and the part i'll never find anywhere else. i miss his voice too. the voice dat scolded me wit love, teased me wit meaning, or sometimes jst stayed silent - but still said everythg. now, dat voice only loves inside my head. and the scariest part? i am terrified dat one day, i mght forget how it sounds.

sometimes aku wonder - kalo abah ada lagi, wat wld he say seein me now? wld he be proud? wld he be disappointed? wld he tell me dat he loves me? or wld he jst smile dat quiet smile, the one dat always made me feel like no matter wat happens, i am enuff?

if i hav u for jst one more nite, i jst wanna sit next to u. tak pyh ckp apa pun tak pe. jst sit there. lemme hold ur hand again, even if it is only for a while. but i knw i will never hav dat chance again, no matter wat it is.

i am still ur son. ur first son, ur along. always will be. i jst want u to knw one thg - along rindukan abah. rindu ni rasa mcm melekat kat semua celah kosong dlm diri along, since the day u left. 

and dis rindu? it's here too, sampai bila2. becoz until today - and maybe for the rest of my life, i am still learning how to live w/o u.

sigh

--

al-fatihah utk arwah abah.

live life, 4u.

 

u spent a good part of ur life holdin back. not becoz u wanted to, but becoz u tot u had to. u let ur choices be dictated by how they mght make others feel, by how u mght look in their eyes, by how ur actions cld ripple into their lives. u missed out on so much - not becoz u din want to experience thgs, but becoz u hesitated. u were always considering. always weighing. always thinkin twice.

and then life happened. it hit u in ways u werent prepared for. ppl left, some w/o a warning, some w/o a reason. and when u finally turned arnd to look for the ones u had put first for so long, u were damn fcukin alone. u had missed ur train while making sure everyone else had a seat. and u knw wats the saddest part? there was no one waiting to walk home wit u. u r completely alone. and ur on ur own.

it’s funny, really. in a world of billions, in the end, u r all dat u truly hav.

so, rmbr - dun waste ur life waiting for approval. dun shrink urself to fit spaces dat were never meant for u. do the thgs u’ve always wanted to do. wear dat outfit dat makes u feel like a masterpiece. take dat trip alone. stay up late talkin to someone who makes ur soul feel alive. say yes to moments dat scare u a lil - becoz those r the ones dat turn into stories u’ll never forget.

one day, u’ll look back and be grateful. grateful for the risks, the lessons, the bruises, the laughter, the late-night drives, the days dat left u breathless. u’ll thank urself for choosing to live - on your own terms. u'll hav storeis to tell to ur kids, and they'll fell amaze about it.

and when dat day comes, u wont jst be rmbring life. u’ll knw, deep in ur bones, dat you lived it.

u fcukin lived it.

and the day will come.

the day will come when u'll cease ur search for them in the faces of strangers or the names that flip thru ur mind. u'll no longer scan rooms for their presence or seek solace in the quiet moments. 

u'll return to ur favorite café, order ur usual drink, and savor it alone. songs dat once held hidden meanings will now be mere melodies, fading into the background of ur life.

their birthday will pass unnoticed, a blank page on the calendar. u'll leave it untouched, a story u no longer need to re-read. when their name echoes in ur memory, u'll resist the urge to reach out wit words dat cant change the past. yet, one day, u'll stumble upon a forgotten hoodie or an old photo, and the memories will flood back, sharp and vivid. 

the weight of the past will return, heavy and inescapable.

these feelings will come in waves, some days gentle, a quiet ache beneath the surface. other nights, u'll feel overwhelmed, as if their essence is woven into ur very being.

but i assure u, time will heal. the day will come when the thought of them wit another person feels like a familiar tale, no longer urs to claim. and when dat day arrives, u'll find urself lighter, freer than u ever thought possible.

jst be patient.

and u r..

u r the words u never said, the quiet pauses between each breath, the weight of dreams still waiting. u r the soft, hidden parts, the strength u din knw was there, the scars dat prove wat u’ve survived.

u are the echo of nights spent searching, the voice dat tells u to keep going when no one else understands. u r the kindness u once needed, the gentle side u protect, the hope dat grows even in darkness.

u are here, unfinished, gathering pieces of light and longing, knwing each step, each stumble, is shaping who u r becoming.

and i love u.

dun leave me again, will u?

let it close.

before u pick ur phone to text someone u miss, pause. ask urself y they r no longer in ur life. some doors close for a reason, and re-opening them mght bring back the same bloody hurt u worked so hard to move past.

i get it - familiarity is comforting. it is easy to mistake nostalgia for a reason to go back but rmbr - not everythg dat feels familiar is good for u. some chapters r not meant to be re-read.

so doors? best left closed.

fleeting echoes

 

u dreamt of them last night. it caught u off guard - how familiar it all felt, how easily the past slipped thru the cracks of ur mind and settled in like it never left. the smiles, the warmth, the way they looked at u.. it all felt so real, like time hadnt moved at all. and for a lil while, u let urself stay there, in dat quiet space where nothg had changed.

it’s been a while since u felt dat way - since somethg so small, so fleeting, cld shake the walls u’ve spent years building. u woke up wit dat strange, lingering ache, the kinda sits heavy in ur chest, not quite pain but not quite comfort either. a soft sadness. a familiar longing. the kind of feeling dat reminds u of who u used to be, of a time when thgs were simpler, or maybe jst when they made more sense.

u almost reached for ur phone, almost typed out a msg u knew u’d never send. but wat wld u even say? hey, i dreamt of u last night, and for a moment, i forgot we were jst a memory. no, u cldn’t. some thgs r better left unsaid. some ghosts r meant to stay in dreams. for those r the thgs dat meant the world to u, but they dun giv a shyte either. 

so, u shake it off. u gotta go about ur day. u gonna sip ur coffee, drown urself in distractions, pretend it was jst a silly dream and nothing more. 

but deep down, u know - u felt somethg. even if it was jst for a lil while.

and they r gone.

 

one day, they’ll look back and see the countless times someone tried to reach them, but they refused to listen. they’ll rmbr the moments when they were told their words and actions were causing pain, and how they shrugged it off as if it din matter. they’ll recall being warned dat someone they cared about was slipping away, yet they din take it seriously.

the kind gestures, the thoughtful acts, the sacrifices made; all taken for granted - will come flooding back to them. they’ll think about how pride was cast aside time and time again jst to hold thgs together, even when it wasnt their fault. they’ll rmbr the way they were loved - the kisses, the laughter, the quiet moments of tenderness. they’ll hear the echoes of someone saying, “i love u,” wit sincerity and care, and how it was met wit indifference.

even the flaws they criticised - the thgs they called “toxic" - will feel different when they realise those were boundaries being drawn, not battles being waged. and when they sit in the silence left behind, they’ll understand. they’ll see how someone who once fought for them finally had no fight left to giv.

by then, it wont matter anymore. becoz when someone stops talking, stops trying, stops hoping - they r already gone.