aku rindau abah more, today. the kinda miss yg tak bley jst go missin dgn ko jst buat2 sibuk, or buat2 lupa. dis one, it sits right at ur tulang rusuk kinda shyte - it stucks there, gripping me from the inside sampai ko somehow rasa sesak nak bernafas kind of thang.
today, dat rindu dtg in a different way. probably it started bila aku berkelas, on parenting - authoritative vs autoritarian - and out of no where, aku start talking about abah. as usual, each time aku sembang pasal abah - no matter how hard, and how tough i look from the outside - i'd jst melt away, rasa sebak et al. and even dah hbs kelas, out of nowhere, the feeling dtg seret sekali semua cerita lps yg aku ingat aku dah simpan kemas-kemas, and aku refused to talk or to think about it anymore. and today, aku teringat semua - his voice, his smell, his laugh when ever he cracked some jokes; everythg - all at once.
most days, aku tipu diri sendiri - aku ok. dah nak masuk 13 thn kot. live moves on, kan? so, ko kena la move sama. but days like dis, all the shelters, all the fortresses yg ko build up - gone jst like dat, mcm kertas kena air. and i am left wit one truth - i will never stop missing him. smpai mati pun, i knw i wont.
the worst part is - aku rindu all the thgs i didnt do. semua benda yg aku simpan sbb kononnya "ada masa lagi". sbb ego. and byk sbb lagi. i sldve hugged him longer. i shldve said "along syg abah" louder, even more. aku shldve sat down wit him, asking how days treating him while his kids were not around, cerita all the chaos inside my head, instead of acting kuat all the time. instead of rasa ego and betul manjang. aku jst believe dat esk mesti ada. and i will do dat.
but then, nobdy told me all those hari esk tu bkn hak aku. nobdy told me life can jst snatch ppl away mcm tu je. and i had to learn thgs the way - abah has gone, tggl aku dgn a heart full of unsaid thgs.
i can still rmbr ur hands. kasar, berurat, penuh cerita hidup. hands dat held mind masa aku takut lintas jalan. hands dat slipped me duit blanja waktu aku kat hostel, w'pun aku ckp kat mak yg aku ok, tho my pocket was empty. dat quiet abah style way of saying, "amek ni.. jimat2".
abah was never the flowery words type. not the hug-u-out-of-nowhere kinda father. in fact, aku tak ingat samada abah pernah hugged aku atau tidak pun. but he had his own way. and now, only now dat i had Damia on my own, i get it. dat way - the quiet, solid love - dats the part i miss the most. and the part i'll never find anywhere else. i miss his voice too. the voice dat scolded me wit love, teased me wit meaning, or sometimes jst stayed silent - but still said everythg. now, dat voice only loves inside my head. and the scariest part? i am terrified dat one day, i mght forget how it sounds.
sometimes aku wonder - kalo abah ada lagi, wat wld he say seein me now? wld he be proud? wld he be disappointed? wld he tell me dat he loves me? or wld he jst smile dat quiet smile, the one dat always made me feel like no matter wat happens, i am enuff?
if i hav u for jst one more nite, i jst wanna sit next to u. tak pyh ckp apa pun tak pe. jst sit there. lemme hold ur hand again, even if it is only for a while. but i knw i will never hav dat chance again, no matter wat it is.
i am still ur son. ur first son, ur along. always will be. i jst want u to knw one thg - along rindukan abah. rindu ni rasa mcm melekat kat semua celah kosong dlm diri along, since the day u left.
and dis rindu? it's here too, sampai bila2. becoz until today - and maybe for the rest of my life, i am still learning how to live w/o u.
sigh
--
al-fatihah utk arwah abah.
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