do the difficult thg.

 

some days, the best thg u can do is get the hell outta bed even tho u dun knw y. u move even if the day feels heavy before it even starts. u wash ur face, drin some water, and eat somethg simple. u dun do dis bcoz u feel powerful; u do it bcoz being alive is an act of resistance.

u write one sentence. then another. the words come out slowly and clumsily, but they do come. and u knw dat the day like dis, dats all u need. u either talk to someone or u dun, but u allow ur voice out of ur bloody head. u go to places u said u wanna go, even tho u really want to cancel. u stay away from the thg u promised urself u wldnt go back to, even tho it still calls ur bloody name.

u pull back the curtains and let the light touch everythg u've been avoiding. u go to bed when u meant to, not when ur too tired to stay awake. u forgive ppl who never deserved ur fcukin kindness, not for their sake but bcoz ur sick of carryin em. after dat, u fcukin let em go. totally.

u start to look for the truth in the fractures of ur life. dats where the answers r. u eat, even if u do it alone in public places, sitting quietly and learning how to live w/o getting smaller. u let go of thgs dat dun fit anymore, even if they used to keep u alive. u walk about bcoz even a lil bit of movement is still hope.

u either answer a text or u dun. u find out dat not sayin anythg is also a choice - and u learn dat in a hard way. and before the day is out, u do one small thg dat brings u closer to the person u wanna be. 

and somehow - w/o even knwing it - u get thru another day.

---

gdnyte.

longing is strange, isnt it?

 

longing is strange, isnt it? it doesnt show up when ur alrdy sad - it shows up when u think ur doin fcukin fine.

ur goin about ur day, minding ur shyte well, and then suddenly a name crosses ur bloody mind. someone u used to care about. someone who - and one fuckin point, felt important in a way dat's hard to explain now. ur not tryin to rmbr them - but darn the thought jst slips in.

life has a way of moving ppl around w/o much explanation. no big argument. no fcukin dramatic ending. jst time, distance, and silence slowly settling in. and u tell urself dat u've moved on. most days, u probably fcukin hav.

still, some memories stick around. thet come back at ease. they come back in some quiet moment. late at nite. early in the morn. when thgs slow down enuff for ur bloody thoughts to catch up wit u.

u dun miss the person the way u used to. wat u miss is how life felt back then. lighter. simpler. maybe it is the version of u dat existed in dat season dat ur really missing. they r probably living their own life now. in a good way. better w/o u. busy wit their own worries, their own joys. and honestly u hope they r ok. there is no anger in dat, any more. ur too tired for such shitty shyte. jst acceptance, dats all left.

but then - some names stay wit us. not loudly. not painfully. jst quietly. and maybe, i said maybe - dat's normal. maybe it jst means u once felt deeply – and dat part of u is still very much alive.

be here.

i think the most beautiful part of life is dat we never realize we r in the good days while we r living them. u dun notice the last time ur fren r all in the same room. u dun knw the last time u'll sit in ur childhood home, or hear a certain voice say ur name. u dun rmbr how good it was hugging ur own child. u dun realize u'll miss the way ur life felt before everythg changed, bcoz it all jst feels normal, routine, like some kinda background noise.

until suddenly it is not. until those small, ordinary fcukin moment become the one u ache for the most.

and years from now - when u r flipping thru some old photos or hearing a song u forgot meant somethg, u'll feel dis. dat longing, dat quiet realization dat the best parts of life were never the loud ones.

so be here. feel it. bcoz one day u'll wish u cld go back. not to change anythg, but jst to feel it one more time.