be fully present.

 

we live in a world where presence is becoming luxury. we sit wit ppl, but our mind r elsewhere - replyin msges, checking updates, scrolling thru distractions we cant rmbr 5 mins later. and all the while, someone across from us is quietly waiting to be seen.

u learnt dis the hard way: being there is not jst about being physically close. it is about putting the world at pause, looking someone in the eyes, and choosing to stay - right there, in dat bloody moment, wit them. no phone in the hand. no rehearsed advice. jst ur fcukin full presence.

bcoz y? bcoz most ppl r not lookin for solutions. they dun wanna be 'fixed'. they jst want to feel like they matter. they jst want to feel important. like someone notices the way their voice trembles when the speak. the way their eyes dart away when they r tryin not to fall apart. the way they smile.. even when it does not quite reach their eyes. and u knw it aint rite.

but when u giv someone dat space - when u really see them - it does somethg. it tells them: u r not invisible here. and in a world that moves too fast, dat kinda stillness can feel like shelter. do u knw wat i mean?

so the next time someone sit across from u - put ur bloody phone away. close dat mental tabs. look up. listen the fcuk up. let them be the only person in the room. it wont make noises. but it will make a difference.

and maybe - i said, maybe - dat will be the quiet they've been longing for, all along.

dear anon, as per request.

 

there r days when the world feels too quiet. the kinda quiet, tp ko rasa tak tenang, hollow deep down ko tak bley nak explain. and then there r days when everythg feels too loud, giler overwhelming. and i gez dats wat grief does - it shifts the weight of the world, w/o warning. some days u carry it well, ko rasa ok, happy. some days - it carries u.

grieving is not jst about loss. or kematian. or perit akibat kehilangan. grieving, is about ko nak tak nak, ko kena bljr mcmana nak carry on hidup, wit the absence. it is about waking up tiap pagi, tryin to figure out how to breathe, in a world dat no longer looks, or feels the same. it is not always tears and sad songs. sometimes, it is silent scrolling, a sudden wave of emotion in the mid of a happy moment, or the guilt of laughing when hati ko still rasa sedih dan kosong.

ppl say, "times heal". but i dun think time truly heals anythg. wat it does, maybe - is teach us how to carry thgs differently. ppl say, "pelan-pelan lah.. lama-lama ko okay lah tu", fcuk them they r not in ur shoes and they dun knw how it feels. they knw shyte. the fact is - grief does not leave, it changes shape. over time, ko akan bljr mcmana to live wit love dat has nowhere to go. ko akan learn to talk about them, w/o falling apart. ko akan back smiling at the memories, w/o drowning urself in them.

and yet, even wit dat learning, there will always be moments - quiet ones, sudden ones - where it all rushes back in. trust me, dats normal. dats human. we r all human. and it is ok to miss them loudly. it is ok to cry for no reason. it is ok to be ok one day, and not ok the next day. coz u r a human. we r all, fcukin human. rmbr, grief is not a timeline. it does not follow rules. it loops. it stumbles. it surprises u in the most ordinary moments.

if u need to cry - cry. if ur heart feels heavy - let it speak. ur not weak for feeling it. ur not fcukin broken for grieving in ur own way. ur jst someone who has loved deeply, and now learning to live differently bcoz of dat love.

and on the days it gets too heavy, rmbr dis: u r not alone. for i've been there, too. and surviving. 

u will, too!

love louder.

 

u dun lose someone all at once. it happens slowly. quietly. in the in-between moments u din think mattered. u lose em when they repeat themselves over and over, and u keep brushing it off - telling urself there is time. u lose em when love starts to feel like effort only they r making, while u r busy bein 'jst tired.'

u lose em when ur silence speaks louder than ur presence. when they start to feel lonelier beside u than they ever did on their own.

and here is the truth most ppl dun wanna hear: by the time u realize wats slipping away, it is alrdy gone. they r not angry. they r not bitter. they hav jst stopped tryin. and when someone stops caring - not out of spite, but exhaustion - dats a goodbye u’ll never hear coming.

so if someone is still showin up for u.. listen better. love louder. dun wait for the silence to teach u wat presence shld hav.

the void.

 

there’s a kind of emptiness dat doesnt always make sense. it’s not loud. it doesnt scream shyte out for help. it jst.. sits there. quietly. inside u. u wake up, go about ur day, do wats expected. u laugh when ur supposed to. u show up for others. u keep moving. and yet - deep inside - u feel it. dat strange hollowness. like somethgs missing, but u cant explain wat.

dats the void.

its not depression. not exactly. its not even sadness. its dis quiet ache dat stays wit u even when life looks perfectly fine on the outside. even when ppl say u r doin well. even when ur surrounded by others.

the void shows up in the quiet moments. after the calls end. after the work is done. when the house is still. and dat thought of 'u’ve been strong for too long. and s'where along the way, a part of u is losing.”

u’ve probably tried to fill it. wit more work. more giving. more doing. maybe u’ve kept urself busy so u wldnt hav to feel it. maybe u’ve convinced urself it is nothg - dat it’ll pass. but deep down, u knw it’s been there for a while.

the truth is, the void isnt asking to be filled. it’s asking to be felt.

it’s built from all the times u held ur breath and pushed thru. all the days u din speak ur truth bcoz u din want to be a burden. all the moments u told urself, 'i am fine,' when really, u jst needed someone to say, 'u dun have to be.'

and the truth is, a lot of ppl carry dis silently. they keep showin up, they keep functioning, they even laugh and joke - but inside, somethg's unsettled. and they dun knw how to explain it w/o feeling dramatic or weak. 

and maybe, i said maybe -  healing doesnt come from tryin to fix it all. maybe it begins when u jst allow urself to admit, 'i am not ok right now,' w/o guilt. maybe it is about giving urself permission to feel the ache w/o rushing to shut it down or pretend it is not real.

if u’ve been feeling dat void too - pls knw ur not the only one. ur not broken. ur jst human. and honestly, s'times dats all u need to be. 

let dat be enuff, for now.