the knwing.

 

theres a time u wld wait for it, like it meant somethg. not loudly, not in ways anyone cld see - jst in small, quiet habits u never admitted to. a glance here, a pause there, dat subtle hope u carried wit u thru the day. day after day. month after month. it became somethg familiar, almost comforting in its own strange way.

and when it came - it always felt like relief. like somethg u din realise u were holding ur breath for had finally let u exhale. u never questioned it. u never stopped urself. u jst let it in. easily. naturally. like it belonged. again and again.

but now - it finally comes. the same way. the same fcuking presence. the same thg dat used to mean everythg. only dis time - it doesnt stay.

theres no rush in u anymore. no quiet excitement building in ur chest. u dun find urself reaching for it the way u used to. instead, theres jst a pause - and then a kind of silence dat lingers longer than it shld. not uncomfortable, jst unfamiliar. it feels like hearing somethg once important, but from a distance. like it belongs to a version of u, u can still rmbr clearly.. but no more.

and u keep thinkin about dat version of u - the one who wldve been so sure, so present, so willing to hold onto dis moment like it mattered. u wonder when dat changed. u wonder when u stopped waiting w/o even noticing u had.

bcoz nothg about it really different. the same pattern, the same return, the same ol'shyte. the same feelin dat once pulled u in w/o effort. but somewhere along the way, somethg in u learned to stay still. not out of anger. not even out of hurt any more. jst, a quiet kind of knwing.

and maybe dats wat makes it feel a lil heavier then u expected – not the absence of wat u used to feel; but the realization dat u rmbr it so well - and still cant feel it the same, anymore.