do the difficult thg.

 

some days, the best thg u can do is get the hell outta bed even tho u dun knw y. u move even if the day feels heavy before it even starts. u wash ur face, drin some water, and eat somethg simple. u dun do dis bcoz u feel powerful; u do it bcoz being alive is an act of resistance.

u write one sentence. then another. the words come out slowly and clumsily, but they do come. and u knw dat the day like dis, dats all u need. u either talk to someone or u dun, but u allow ur voice out of ur bloody head. u go to places u said u wanna go, even tho u really want to cancel. u stay away from the thg u promised urself u wldnt go back to, even tho it still calls ur bloody name.

u pull back the curtains and let the light touch everythg u've been avoiding. u go to bed when u meant to, not when ur too tired to stay awake. u forgive ppl who never deserved ur fcukin kindness, not for their sake but bcoz ur sick of carryin em. after dat, u fcukin let em go. totally.

u start to look for the truth in the fractures of ur life. dats where the answers r. u eat, even if u do it alone in public places, sitting quietly and learning how to live w/o getting smaller. u let go of thgs dat dun fit anymore, even if they used to keep u alive. u walk about bcoz even a lil bit of movement is still hope.

u either answer a text or u dun. u find out dat not sayin anythg is also a choice - and u learn dat in a hard way. and before the day is out, u do one small thg dat brings u closer to the person u wanna be. 

and somehow - w/o even knwing it - u get thru another day.

---

gdnyte.

longing is strange, isnt it?

 

longing is strange, isnt it? it doesnt show up when ur alrdy sad - it shows up when u think ur doin fcukin fine.

ur goin about ur day, minding ur shyte well, and then suddenly a name crosses ur bloody mind. someone u used to care about. someone who - and one fuckin point, felt important in a way dat's hard to explain now. ur not tryin to rmbr them - but darn the thought jst slips in.

life has a way of moving ppl around w/o much explanation. no big argument. no fcukin dramatic ending. jst time, distance, and silence slowly settling in. and u tell urself dat u've moved on. most days, u probably fcukin hav.

still, some memories stick around. thet come back at ease. they come back in some quiet moment. late at nite. early in the morn. when thgs slow down enuff for ur bloody thoughts to catch up wit u.

u dun miss the person the way u used to. wat u miss is how life felt back then. lighter. simpler. maybe it is the version of u dat existed in dat season dat ur really missing. they r probably living their own life now. in a good way. better w/o u. busy wit their own worries, their own joys. and honestly u hope they r ok. there is no anger in dat, any more. ur too tired for such shitty shyte. jst acceptance, dats all left.

but then - some names stay wit us. not loudly. not painfully. jst quietly. and maybe, i said maybe - dat's normal. maybe it jst means u once felt deeply – and dat part of u is still very much alive.

be here.

i think the most beautiful part of life is dat we never realize we r in the good days while we r living them. u dun notice the last time ur fren r all in the same room. u dun knw the last time u'll sit in ur childhood home, or hear a certain voice say ur name. u dun rmbr how good it was hugging ur own child. u dun realize u'll miss the way ur life felt before everythg changed, bcoz it all jst feels normal, routine, like some kinda background noise.

until suddenly it is not. until those small, ordinary fcukin moment become the one u ache for the most.

and years from now - when u r flipping thru some old photos or hearing a song u forgot meant somethg, u'll feel dis. dat longing, dat quiet realization dat the best parts of life were never the loud ones.

so be here. feel it. bcoz one day u'll wish u cld go back. not to change anythg, but jst to feel it one more time.

HNY 2026!

 

it's the end of the year, and trow marks the beginning of a new one.

lookin back, dis year was not dramatic in obvious ways, i must say. it did not collapse all at once pun. cuma, i hav to say dat it wore me down quietly. responsibilities piled up, expectations stayed high, and i kept moving bcoz dats the only thg i knw how to do. some days aku functioned well. other days i was simply surviving, hoping no one wld notice how tired i actually was.

dis year also came with a full 360-degree shift in my life – especially in the way i work and carry responsibility. roles changed, expectations expanded, and the pace became heavier than before. i had to relearn routines, adapt to new demands, and make decisions (which i hate most of the time ha ha ha) dat carried real weight. wat once felt familiar became unfamiliar, and stability had to be rebuilt rather than assumed. the change wasnt jst logistical; it was mental and emotional. it asked me to grow faster than i was ready for, and to stay steady while everythg around me, kept moving. not dat i am complaining – changes can be good sometimes. we all hav to change, somewhere, sometime along the way. but expecting the unexpected can be challenging, serious cakap..

despite the weight of it all, i feel grateful. grateful for the opportunities, for the trust placed in me, and for the lessons dat came wit the pressure. not everythg went smoothly, but i dun regret the path i chose. every decision, even the difficult ones, shaped the clarity i hav now. dis year showed me wat i am capable of, even when i doubt myself, and dat realization alone is worth the discomfort.

one thg dis year taught me is dat endurance can be mistaken for strength. aku learned how easy it is to keep goin while ignoring apa yg aku perlukan, sebnrnya. i showed up, delivered, supported others, and kept thgs runnin - but often as the cost my own rest and honesty. dat kinda strength looks admirable (at least, dats wat i think) from the outside, but it isnt sustainable.

aku also learned dat healing doesnt arrive in big moments. it happens slowly, in small decisions: choosing silence over explaining, choosing rest over proving, choosing to step back when everythg in me wants to push harder. there were moments when progress simply meant not making thgs worse, and i hav learned to respect dat.

dis year forced clarity. it showed me wat drains me, wat grounds me, and wat no longer deserves my energy. it reminded me dat boundaries r not acts of rejection, but acts of self-respect. and dat peace is not somethg u earn after exhaustion – it is somethg u protect before burnout.

i dun feel like a transformed person as the year end. i feel more aware. more honest about my limits. less interested in impressing. more focused on wat actually sustained me.

as the new year begins, i am not chasing reinvention. i am choosing intention. to move forward, w/o rushing. to take care of myself w/o guilt. to take care of ppl who care for me, even more. to show up fully, but not at the expense of my well-being.

trow doesnt need a better version of me. it jst need a more grounded one. and dat feels like a good place to start.

Happy New Year 2026, ppl!

and u die a little..

u might think u dun care anymore. u let it look dat way. but the truth is quieter and heavier than dat - u break a little each time u see them hurt. u die a lil every time u choose distance, telling urself it’s necessary, hoping dat one day u’ll hav the courage to admit how deeply u still love them. u’ve learned how to appear cold, maybe even heartless. but behind closed doors, u miss them - the warmth, the familiarity, the way their presence once felt like home.

u keep running, convincing urself u’ve moved on, yet ur heart keeps looping back. it still chooses them, even wit the scars, the exhaustion, and the memories dat refuse to fade. u love them. maybe u always will. but love like dis isnt simple anymore. it’s hard to say “i love u” to someone who has turned away - someone who broke u more times than u can count, someone who left when all u wanted was them to stay. it’s hard to keep loving when reality has already pushed u onto separate paths.

there’s somethg quietly tragic about dat. dis might be a love u grieve for the rest of ur life. a love dat never quite ends, only changes shape. and sometimes, u still catch urself wondering y two hearts dat never truly stopped loving each other cldn’t find a way to remain together.

at the end of the day, u only hav urself..

 

when life got heavy and everythg felt too much, u realised no one was really there to catch u when u fell. when ur heart is crashing, and breaking - u had to to hold it together on ur own. when ur mind was full of battles, u had to fight them alone.

u picked urself up when u had no one to lean on. u wiped ur own tears when no one asked if u were ok. it hurts to knw ppl disappear when u need them the most, but it also taught u somethg important.

u learnt dat u can survive wit jst u. u learnt dat u r ur own safe place. u learnt dat u r fcukin stronger than u thought.

and even no one shows up, u still show up for urself.

u miss..

 

..the way they liked u at the beginning. when everythg felt new and u cld feel how much they wanted u around. they used to reply so fast, like they cldnt wait to talk to u. they always had somethg sweet to say - always found reason to compliment u.

they made u feel special w/o even tryin, they wanted to see u as often as they cld and it felt like u was so important to them - but now thgs changed.

the msges take longer, and no more. the effort feels less, now none. and the warmth u used to feel from them, is now gone. u jst miss dat version of them, the one who made u believe u mattered.

and u keep asking - can we ever go back to dat?