bad days?

i’ll be honest, i hav my fair share of bad days too. some days, it jst feels like everythg is overwhelming, and i’m completely drained, both mentally and emotionally. i really try to keep my cool, even after a rough week, when ppl test my patience or when i feel like i'm about to explode.

it's not like i'm a saint or anythg. it's not dat i'm w/o feelings. but i hav to keep reminding myself dat everyone has their own struggles goin on. maybe the person who yelled at me was jst havin a rough mornin. maybe the person who's acting a bit off today is dealing wit somethg they r jst not ready to talk about yet.

ppl often hav their reasons for saying - or not saying - thgs. there's more goin on beneath the silence, the tone, and the mistakes. u knw, sometimes when someone misses an appointment, takes a while to respond, or spills their drink, it mght jst mean they r havin a tough time gettin thru the day.

absolutely, i feel frustrated sometimes. i get a bit worked up. but u knw wat? i've found dat adding fuel to the fire doesnt really help. it jst makes everythg burn faster.

wats good for u then? i gez - a goodwill. a bit of endurance. a little compassion. it doesnt mean u let ppl take advantage of u, but it does mean u try to keep from making someone else's day harder.

some days r jst goin to be tough. dats jst how it goes. but, we really need to handle our challenges wit a bit more self-awareness and a whole lot more understanding - at least dats wat i am believe in - if we wanna make dis world a nicer place for ourselves and everyone else.

kan?

---

apa-apa lah. 

half of u stayed wit him

yesterday, someone i care about, lost his father. and it wrecked somethg inside me too.

bcoz i knw dat kinda pain. the kinda pain dat doesnt scream, but stays - quiet and constant - like a hole carved in ur chest dat nothg ever quite fills. when i lost mine - 13 years ago, it felt like half of me got up and left with him. it was a strange kinda emptiness. u can laugh, talk, go to work, even smile - but theres a heaviness beneath it all. a shadow dat follows u home. a weight in ur chest dat doesnt lift.

ppl will tell u 'he's in a better place', 'Allah loves him more', or 'he lived a good life'.. they mean well. but none of dat touches the place in u dat aches to hear his voice again. to hav one more meal together. one more hug. one more ordinary day dat u did not knw wld be the last.

and when dat person is ur dad - it changes somethg fundamental in u.

it was not jst a death. it was the end of a chapter dat held ur childhood, ur comfort, ur belonging. the one who knew ur earliest fears, ur lil victories. who mght not hav said much, but somehow made the whole wide world feel sturdier jst by being in it. 

and if u read dis - do knw dat the grief is ugly. it's unpredictable. and it doesnt care how strong u r. u'll feel numb. then u'll cry out of nowhere. then u'll feel guilty for everythg. i knw how it feels.

but u get to let all of it happen. there's no right way to mourn. only ur way.

they taught us everythg about love, life, and all. but they did not teach us on how to live life, without them. no, they did not. so if ur way means collapsing at 3am, staring at the ceiling, missing the way he used to call ur name - so be it. u dun move on from dis kinda loss. u move wit it. some days it will feel lighter. some days it will break u all over again.

but dis, i promise u: u will grow around the grief. and love will still find u, even in the hollow places. and until then, i am sitting here quietly - for u. in the ache. in the  silence. in the memory.

--

al Fatihah.

semoga Allah menempatkan arwah ayah kita dalam kalangan mrk yg dikasihi dan dirahmati Allah, hendaknya. ameen yra.

u still dun knw y, do u?

u dun really knw wat happened. 

one moment they were there - familiar, present, part of ur daily rhythm, filling in ur pulse and every heartbeats - and then suddenly, they were not. no msg explaining y. no clear goodbye. jst spaces. distance. silence.

and now u r left sitting wit it. wit the not knowing. wit the fcukin weight of words unsaid, and questions dat echo in ur chest, at night.

u've tried to be logical about it. maybe u missed somethg. maybe they were hurting. maybe they were struggling. or maybe u were not enough. or, too much? u've twisted urself into every version of "wat if" jst to find some kinda closure - but it never really comes, does it?

instead, u tell urself stories to ease the fcukin ache. u imagine they r still nearby. dat they hav not really 'left' - they r jst moved next door. dat somehow, they r still close, watching quietly, thinkin of u from across some invisible wall. and in a way, dat helps. it keeps u from falling apart.

but here the thg no one tell u: even if they r jst next door.. wat good is dat if they act like u r not even there? if they've stopped listening? if they've closed the door and u r still fcukin standin outside hoping it'll open again? 

u r holding on to somethg they've alrdy walked away from.

and dats the hardest part - isnt it? the holding on. the fcukin holdin on when u dun knw wats left to cling on to. the waiting for clarity dat may never come. the silence dat feels heavier than any argument cld. bcoz u din get to say, "wait". u din get to ask, "why". u din get a choice.

yet, here u r. standing infront of somethg dat dosnt move. u dun knw whether to stay, or walk away. u hav told urself they r jst next door - still around, still reachable, still caring in some invisible way. maybe dats true. maybe it is not. ur not even sure anymore. u keep hoping for a sign, somethg dat says u still matter. but the fcukin silence jst keep goin.

and no matter how close they mght be, it doesnt feel like they r coming back, u r still here, jst like before, stuck between remembering and and letting go - unsure if ur holding on to somethg good, or jst the echo of it.

maybe u'll figure it out. maybe u wont.

dis is how u knw it is real..

loving someone is not about grand, big gestures. it is about paying attention.

it is choosing to learn them. their habits. the moods. their weird taste in music. u play the songs they like even if u'd never queue  it urself. u eat wat comforts them, even it is too sweet or too spicy for ur own liking.

u watch the reel they send - even if u r alrdy seen it - bcoz they tot of u when the hit "share".

u listen when they speak about thgs dat matter to them, even when u dun fully understand. even they themselves dun giv a flyin fcuk about ur story. for u think u dun need to. u r there. and dats enuff. u start to notice wat makes them light up. u rmbr it. u look for ways to add more of it into the life u r building together.

u learn how they like their drink. wat gets under their skin. wat helps them off sleepin. u pick up on the lil details dat most ppl miss - and u carry them wit u,

to love some is to keep discovering them, layer by layer. not bcoz u hav to, but bcoz u want to. bcoz knwg them deeper is its on kinda joy.

u tried. they did not.

someone once asked u, "y din u stop him when he started pulling away?". and for a sec., u din knw how to answer. bcoz the trust is not as simple as they think. u did try. u reached out, u gav them space, chance - more than they deserved. u kept showing up, hoping they wld too. but they din. and dat silence? it wasnt bcoz u din care. it was bcoz deep down, u were alrdy doin everythg u cld.

the hard truth u eventually had to face is dis: when someone genuinely wants u, u wont hav to chase them. u wont be stuck second-guessing ur worth, or wondering if u matter. real ove doesnt make u beg for attention. it shows up. it fuckin stays. it speaks - even when thgs get hard.

the problem was not dat u din love enuff. it is dat u were loving someone who made u forget to love urself. u tot being patient wld fix it, dat holding on tighter wld bring them closer. but if only left u empty. and in the end - u were not lettin them go, bczo u stopped caring. u let go bcoz u finally realised u were done being an afterthought. u deserve a love dat is certain, present, and real - not one u hav to chase in silence.

break, but stay kind

 

u hate how easily u get hurt by ppl. it is like even the smallest thgs cut fcukin deep - a careless word, a cold tone, being left out, or being taken for granted. and when it happens, it makes u feel like u dun matter. like u r jst.. not enuff. not worth a fcukin effort.

there r moment when the pain feels too much. not bcoz ur weak, but bcoz u cared. bcoz u gav ur bloody best. and yet, some ppl still treat u like cold shyte. like ur invisible. like ur kindness is somethg to be used, not appreciated.

u jst wish ppl understood how heavy their words and actions can be. dat sometimes, wat they say in passing, stays wit someone for years. for a long time. dat healing is not as simple as "moving on". for someone like u, it is slow. it is so fcukin slow. it is quiet. and it hurts long after the moment is gone.

u dun heal easily. u carry thgs wit u. u wish u r jst like everyone out there. but u jst cant. u replay situations, wondering wat u did wrong, or y u were not enuff. and the truth is, u hate dat about urself - dat u feel too deeply, for everythg. dat u care so much.

sometimes u wish u din. u wish u cld jst switch it off, stop the overthinking, stop givin chances, stop givin a fly fcuk, stop hoping ppl will be better. but u cant. u jst cant. it is not who u r. wat hurts the most is not jst the pain - it is the feelin like u hav no choice but to accept it quietly. to carry it alone while still tryin to be kind.

all u've ever wanted is for the love and care u giv to be returned. not perfectly, no. jst, honestly. genuinely. bcoz feeling too much shldnt be a curse.

and yet, sometimes, it feels like it is.

not every chapter has to be loud

 

u dun talk enuff about the quiet parts of ur life - the one dat unfold in the background. the moments when ur doin dishes and ur mind drifts. when ur scrolling endlessly, not really lookin for anytg but hoping somethg clicks. when ur stuck in traffic and suddenly wondering if u've fallen behind in life, if u've missed somethg important while jst tryin to hold thgs together. 

no one really prepares u for these in-between spaces. they r not the parts ppl write speeches about, or post on soc med. but they r fcukin real. and they - ofkoz, carry weight. u end up holding thgs u cant name - the unspoken worries, quiet disappointments, small aches dat build over time. and yet, somehow, u keep showin up. u keep goin, still.

these moments matter more than u think. they shape u quietly - w/o fireworks, w/o applause. they teach u resilience, even when u dun feel strong. u grow ur dpeth, ur compassion, and ur understanding of it means to be a human. u may not see the progress, but is is there - in the way u keep tryin, even when no one's watching. well, at least dats wat u think.

the truth is, ur figuring it out as u go. u r not supposed to hav it all together. some days, jst gettin outta bed, showing up, or breathing thru the weight ur carryin - darn wats a win. dats fcukin strength.

so, if ur readin dis - and if u r in a season dat feels messy, uncertain, or painfully still - let dis be ur reminder. u r not broken. and u r not behind. the quiet parts of ur story matter jst as much as the loud ones. u r not doin life wrong. u r living it - and dat, in itself, is more than fcukin enuff.

u hav a good Friday ahead. the weekend is here, afterall. 

may Allah ease everythg.